Aren't You Glad You Live In Mass?

This whole Jena 6 thing really got me thinking about the South. Again.

If you haven't heard about the Jena 6 controversy, cruise on over to cnn.com and check it out. Let me just say this: There are still people that- in the year 2007- tie nooses to their cars to show their hatred of black people. Listen up those of you south of the Mason Dixon line: Haven't you received the memo that it is time to hate the illegals these days? I thought the days of hating African Americans were over. After all Southerners, racism is so..... 1960.

So like I said, it got me to thinking. Really, what has the South given us? Ever? Is there a need to go south? Have you ever said to your buddies, "Dude, next bachelor party, we should TOTALLY go to Birmingham!" Or have you ever heard a woman say, "I so want a take a shopping trip to Jackson, Mississipi."

The South has contributed nothing to me in my lifetime. And I mean ever. This is no Gerard-Hyperbole (can I- in all my narcissism- make a word out of that? Gerbole maybe?). Seriously. Think about it.

Has a fashion trend ever come out of the south? How about grunge? Where did that come from? Nintendo did not come from Jacksonville. I mean even there food is slightly overrated. Fried chicken is just really slabs of chicken cooked in a vat of crisco. And look at their desserts. Sweet Potato Pie? C'Mon. A vegetable is not a dessert (ask Turner what he thinks of this). If there were a dessert fantasy draft, sweet potato pie might be a waiver wire pick up if your third round choice of chocolate trifle goes out with a torn acl. Sweet potato pie would get selected behing the likes of biscotti and merengue cookies. Can you recall being at a holiday party and choosing the sweet potato pie over the chocolate cheesecake? I didn't think so.

I understand, there are a few good things from the south. Brad Pitt and the Clintons. But they quickly realized that they were too smart/talented/good for the souh so they abandoned the south as quickly as Billy Zane ditched Kate Winslet on the Titanic. Do you ever look at Pitt and think South? You women might think, "I hate him for dumping Jen to be with a hotter/more talented girl," but still, you don't think Confederate Flag.

But for the most part, the south sucks. And you know it. But some things that the south have given us are far more wretched than others. So I decided to compile a list of the 20 worst things the south has ever given (or not given) us. They go in descending order of wretchedness.

20. Achy Breaky Heart- This needs absolutely no elaboration.

19. Trent Lott- You could put many a politician here (Newt Gingrich comes to mind), but I figured the I'd go with the guy with ties to a white supremacist group.

18. Chain Restaurants- Seriously, have you eaten at an Applebees lately? More importantly, have you ever seen the Applebees commercial where they keep it open after the football team loses its "big game?" You'll be happy to know that the Applebees down the street from you- you know, the one with the 35 hour wait on Fridays- first opened in Georgia.

17. Lynard Skynard- Quick, name one band from the south with a single good song? Pearl Jam? No wait. That's Seattle. Beatles? Run to the edge of the atlantic and swim 3000 miles east. Guns N' Roses? LA my friends. See. Can't name one. Not even you can Wall. It doesn't have to be Lynard Skynard. It can be anybody. But they are the quintessence of southern rock, which isn't good by the way.

16. The Tomahawk Chop- Ask Native Americans what they think of this. Actually, ask anyone with a sliver of dignity and understanding of the word "stereotype" what they think of this.

15. The Dukes of Hazzard- There was a car called the General Lee (the leader of an army that supported the enslaving, buying, and selling of members of the human race) that drove around with a confederate flag emblazoned on the side. And no one thought any thing of this.

14. John Grisham Books- Remember when you heard all the buzz about The Firm and you read it because every single person on the beach/airplane was reading it? And then you finished it and you said, "Ah, that wasn't that bad." Then do you remember how he went on to release nine more versions of The Firm which went on to sell millions of copies to American readers even though they really suck? You know how stupid American readers don't read anything unless they are..... John Grisham books? Well, guess where that no talent hack is from? Arkansas kids, Arkansas. John Grisham books are a good segue to number.....

13. Matthew McConaugheys acting in A Time To Kill- Actually, let's just level that down o Matthew McConaugheys acting. Easier still would be to just cut it down to Matthew McConaughey. Other than showing up on the "They're just like us" page of InTouch Weekly playing a shirtless game of risbee, what has this guy ever done?

12. Gun Racks- In the words of my boy Wayne, "I don't own a gun, let alone many guns....."

11. Above Ground Pools- Remember that above ground pool in your neighborhood? The one your childhood friend Phil had? Then his parents seperated and the mom couldn't keep up the maintenace of it? And soon, all that was left was a broken down human bacteria frappe that was soon going to leave a big brown circle of dead grass? Remember that eye sore? It originated in the south.

10. The Rodeo- Imagine waking up one day and deciding, "Hey, I want to ride a bucking bronco for a living!" Then imagine waking up and saying, "Hey, I want to wake up and WATCH a guy ride a bucking bronco."

9. College Football- "Hey guys, there is a HUGE basbeall game on tonight, the third game of the season. It pits the number 11 Twins vs. the number 22 Rangers! You want to get together and watch it?!? There will be a huge halftime breakdown and two hours of pregame! And here's the best part! Both of these teams will be irrlevant at seasons end!" Seriously, try watching five minutes of Alabama vs. TCU. It can't be done.

8. Acid Washed Jeans With High Tops- Okay, this can easily be a Pittsfield, Mass or an upstate New York thing, but you know it is way more popular down south. And I don't mean back in '87 like it was in my middle school. I mean now.

7. Jim Beam/Jack Daniels/Johnny Walker- We all CLAIM to like these, but who really does? Did you ever have a truly great night pounding these for six hours? Unless you consider A) Getting punched in the face by your best friend or B) Getting black out drunk, then vomiting until you rupture a blood vessel in your eye, having fun then you haven't had fun, I guarantee it.

6. Curt Schilling- Actually, he's from Alaska. But it seems like he's from the south, doesn't it? Plus, I couldn't go a full blog without ripping him, right? I hope Shaughnessey is reading this.....

5. Not A Single Good Movie Setting- You think Lawrence of Arabia would have been better titled Lawrence of Valdosta, Georgia? Or would the Nakatomi Plaza been better situated in Shreveport, Louisiana than LA? Casino or Leaving Las Vegas maybe filmed on a riverboat off the coast of Louisiana? I could go on like this all night. But I won't. I'll just say this. No movie worth its salt is taking place in the South.

4. Beef Jerkey- Oh shut up manly men. I know I sepnd $300 on jeans, get a back wax, drink cosmos, and subscribe to mens fashion magazines, but you don't like beef jerkey. You just don't. The last time I was on a road trip with ANY OF YOU, I don't recall seeing you get the beef jerkey at the rest stop. I remember cinnabons and onion rings.

3a. Mullets- You can thank that hairdo you/your date has in that 1985 prom picture that still sits on your mothers bookshelf on the dirty south. Somehow, we in the Blues figured out that that hairdo was no good (unless of course, the words North and Adams show up in your mailing address). The south still hasn't gotten the idea.

3b. Frosted Bangs- Yup, my middle school yearbook is full of these. It's also full double flouresecent socks with white keds, and lots of girls named Michelle, which we can probably blame on California. But it's the bangs that are the worst. Thanks south.

2. Slavery- Yes, the region of the country that also gave you the aformentioned 18 great pieces of Americana also gave you the triangle trade. As evidenced by the news story that incited this rant, the consequences still have not been eradicated.

Now, you'd think that slavery was the sure fire number one, seeing as where I did say these were ranked in order of wretchedness. But not even slavery out ranks number one in our poll. There can only be one number one. So here it is folks, the single worst thing that the South has given us.....

1. Duke Grads- Name a Duke kid you like...... Five, four, three, two, one.....

And I hear those blue things they are holding in the pic above are called Trust Fund Sticks.

The Party Is Over MTV

Remember, back just a few years ago, when MTV seemed to rule the world? I'm not talking the mid eighties here. I'm talking about 2002 and 2003, when Newlyweds, The Osbournes, Jackass and TRL were all people talked about. Really, try to remember that. The Chicken of the Sea, the "SHARON!!!!!", Johnny Knoxville in Yoga class, the hate/love you had for Carson Daly. It all seems so long ago, doesn't it?

Today, thousands if not hundreds of thousands of blogs will talk about Britney. It was bad. But that's like saying Xanadu or JD Drew are bad. Too easy. The problem with last night is that we realized just how awful MTV is. The once great empire has collapsed under the weight of has beens, hip hop, and an inability to read its audience.

I like Diddy. I really do. I think the guy is funny. But why does MTV still focus on him? The Diddy thing is over. He was once a hilarious, talented (I think), and relevant celebrity, but like so much of MTV, he has become a caricature of himself. But yet MTV (who are the people making decisions there these days? People trapped in 2000?) decided to make him the star of the show, along with a bunch of hip hop aritists that, while talented, will become irrelavant by the summer of '08? This was a poor decision. Look at who else was in the audience: Kid Rock and Tommy Lee. The fight might have been funyy..... six years ago. They were relevant once, but does anyone even know what they do these days?

And herein lies MTVs most colossal failure: They have not changed with the times.

Somehow, MTV- which was once on the cutting edge of EVERYTHING- has become your grandfather. They stick to old ideas and traditions. Heck, they stick to old costumes and choreography. I realize they tried to spruce it up, but it was awful. Why are they showing us 45 seconds of performances when that's what we watch awards shows for? Why are they sticking to one genre (hip hop) when the billboard charts show us that the culture is no longer ruled by hip hop?

Now, you might be saying it is because I don't like hip hop. That is untrue. The Black Album is one of the greatest albums of the new millenium. Mos Def has been releasing amazing tunes for a decade. Kanye West and Common have saved rap and more to the point, actually tried to advance it somewhat. But here is where MTV has really screwed up: They think that hip hop is the ONLY genre. It's not, MTV. In fact, you remember those big ratings you used to get for TRL back in 2001 and 2002? Well, all those 15 year olds have grown up and become college kids. So know what you should do MTV? Saunter on over to the College Radio Charts and see what's selling over there. I can tell you, it is not the Akon/T.I./T Pain collaborative.

Further, this summer, Entertainment Weekly ran an article talking about how Arcade Fire, Bloc Party, and The Shins topped the CD charts three out of four weeks. Those are three "indie" bands that the mainstream has not heard of, yes, but MTV's audience has MOST CERTAINLY heard of these bands. And didn't MTV once pride itself on NOT being mainstream? How could they let another awards show slide by without introducing these mega talents to a new audience?

MTV's audience you say? Isn't that high schoolers? As Charlie Murphy said about Rick James learning his lesson, "WRONG!"

MTV is no longer watched by high school kids. Today, I have so far had 51 students and 15 of these 51 (yes, I really did ask. You can't do Ethan Fromme all day) kids watched the MTV music awards. That's a shockingly low number and it proves (albeit completely unscientifically) what I am trying to say: Kids don't watch MTV. We 20, 30, and 40 year old has beens who remember Adam Curry, Yo MTV Raps!, 120 Minutes, and Headbangers Ball watch MTV. WE were the ones watching Newlyweds and The Osbournes (heck, my parents watched the Osbournes!). WE are the ones watching and talking about videos! We are the ones that remember Nirvana unplugged and staying up late to see banned George Michael and Madonna videos. Todays kids don't have to do that so here's an idea MTV, STOP MARKETING TO THEM!!!!!

Last night took no risks and brought no new viewers into the fold. The show should have taken some gambles and had something other than hip hoppers perform. Throw Bloc Party or Arcade Fire out there. It's not like the are commercial failures who wouldn't draw viewers. They sell records! Instead, we get Chris Brown doing his Usher doing his Michael Jackson. And stop with Timbaland. He's talented yeah, but is he so talented that he shows up in every award category/live performance? Christ, you don't see that much Clooney at the Academy Awards and he's WAY more talented (where was he in the "Quadruple Threat" category?). Which reminds me: Stop using stupid names for categories MTV!!!!! No one uses "Monster Single!"

But it doesn't have to be just my music either. Where was Daughtry? Or some young country singer? Get the Cast of High School Musical (only the best selling CD in all the universe) out there. How about having Mandy Moore perform her version of Umbrella which is currently burning up the internet? In the year of the female invasion, where were Amy Winehouse, Lily Allen, Regina Spektor, Feist (notice her on iPod and cell phone ads? Think those companies might know what they are doing MTV?), and MIA? Where are the bands that grace the covers of Rolling Stone and Spin, like Rilo Kiley and Interpol? Or if you don't want to go in that direction MTV, pay some money to reunite bands. Get No Doubt back together or pay for Rage Against The Machine (currently playing at festivals). Heck, The Police sell out everywhere! Get their old asses here!!!!! Where was Prince or Paul McCartney? I know that might sound ludicrous, but iPod was marketing McCartney and last I checked, Apple is doing okay. At the very least MTV, introduce us to something new. It was you, MTV, that showed me The Shout Out Louds, TV On The Radio, and Johnny Knoxville. Where has that edge gone? Where's the originality?

In the end, MTV has just done a terrible job of shifting with the times. They abadoned videos long ago, but where are the new shows? Who wants to watch My Super Sweet Sixteen? Or The Hills? I saw that before..... When it was called The OC (which was cancelled by the way!!!!!)? Or Real World 31, which is the same as Real World 6, 9,13, 0r 27?

MTV needs to come to grips with the fact that they have been beaten to the punch by iTunes, My Space, and other music sharing websites. And to a lesser degree, their once edgy programs have been one upped by HBO, Cinemax, and Showtime programming. Rather than embracing ANYTHING new, they have stuck with the tried and true, something they failed to do for 20 years. And it has come back to bite them in the ass.

Blow the thing up MTV. And while you're at it, blow up Young Jeezy and Timbaland too.

I Failed A Kid Because I Hate Him, But I'm Really Sorry

Rodney Harrison is so nice. He apologizes. That's special.

More importantly, Patriot Nation (Led by Deossie and Smerlas on WEEI today) is so nice. Rodney took steroids (or HGH, which there is no testing for), but he apologized. To the kids. Like Michael Vick did. And maybe like Michael Vick, he will find god. But- as most of the callers on EEI felt today- Rodney should be forgiven for he stood up and apologized. Like my headline says, I apologize for failing Mickey three years ago. Turned out I kept him out of Harvard and he was never really able to bounce back from that. Sad thing was, he had a 97 average. I just didn't like the fact that he wore pleated khakis. But I'm sorry folks. Really I am.

You know how Bill O'Reilly has that No Spin Zone (I only know because he should keeps your friends close, but your enemies closer)? The NFL should have a Spin Zone because they have done a masterful job of marketing performance enhancing drugs to the masses. It is a violent game where the biggest, fastest, and strongest are rewarded with Sportscenter highlights and multi million dollar contracts. You can take steroids in the NFL and as long as you apologize and serve your four game suspension, you are all set. What a joke.

I should give this disclaimer now: I am not an NFL fan. Actually, I hate the NFL. And Fantasy Football (I find it strange that- even though he made a really good movie about global warming- that Al Gore has somehow become a top five pick). So that complicates this argument, but only slightly.

The NFL, and more importantly its fans, have a hilarious view on steroids and performance enhancing drugs. NFL fans repeatedly bash baseball for being a league full of juice heads. They cite Sosa (or Sooser to certain senators), McGwire, Palmeiro, Canseco, Giambi, Sheffield, and Bonds. But ask your casual MLB fan to name another steroid abuser. They can't. That's because the league is filled with superstars named Reyes, Ichiro, Sizemore, Hanley, Rollins, A-Rod, Ortiz, Guerrero, Beltran, Howard (sorry, he's just fat), Ordonez, Papelbon, Rivera, Maddux..... And well, you get the point. The league is full of legit players. But yet because some reality TV, fake tanned, mullet head releases a book and one big headed loud mouth broke a hallowed record, all of baseball is tainted. I'm here to tell you that George Mitchell should be investigating the NFL. Here's why.

I go to the gym. Almost daily. There are some monster dudes there and while I am not working out at the gym that The Terminator hit during his Pumping Iron years, I have seen some big guys. But what I haven't seen is guys that look like Terrell Owens (and if they did, they would certainly be wearing all white warm up suits), Shawn Merriman, Antonio Gates, LaDanian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson, Willis MaGahee, and any other house NFL guy. Why don't I see those guys? BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT UNLESS YOU TAKE STEROIDS!!!!! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!!!!

And it certainly isn't possile to run, cut, catch AND look like that. It just doesn't happen.

So why then, is it MLB that is crucified but the NFL is not? It's because they "test" you say.

Well guess what. A google and Lexus Nexus search give no conclusive evidence as to what the NFL drug testing policy is. It appears that no one knows, except those that run the NFL.

But the next time you are at a cocktail party (okay, fine. KEG party. Something tells me this conversation doesn't come up at cocktail parties) ask someone what the NFL drug testing policy is. Nobody knows. Some say there is only testing at he start of the season and then never again. Why does no one find this problematic?

Let's go over to the MLB testing policy. It is completely random and one player can get tested several times per year. Ask David Ortiz who, in light of his break out years, is tested as many as eight times a year. Granted, MLB went years without a drug testing policy but after a MAJOR hue and cry, they came up with one.

Here's something else. The major league baseball suspension policy is actually tougher than the NFLs. In baseball, for a first offense, you get suspended for almost 31% of your games. In football, it is only 25%. Granted, these aren't hugely different numbers, but as any master debator (like that?) would say: Still.

But let's take it further. Rafael Palmeiro, Sammy Sosa, and Mark McGwire were all SURE FIRE first ballot hall of famers. And I mean slam dunks. These guys making the hall was as certain as a High School Musical nude picture scandal. It was going to happen.

But something happened along Mssrs. Palmeiro, McGwire, and Sosa's journeys to the Hall of Fame. The country decided that steroids in baseball were awful and these guys weren't getting in. They have gone from sure fire first ballot hall of famers to absolute nos in Palmeiros case (he tested positive and was banned for 50 games in case you have forgotten), pretty much nos in McGwires case, and 50/50 in Sosas case.

But as my brother accurately pointed out today, not only are these guys being denied the Hall of Fame, but two of them (McGwire and Palmeiro) literally can't show their faces in public. Honestly, have you seen either of the two? Are they in the same bunker as Dick Cheney, Suri Cruise, and Michael Richards?

I am by no means excusing the acts of said basbeall players, but is there a more hated player in all of sports than Barry Bonds? The guy was a lock hall of fmer long before we heard the word BALCO (anyone actually know what that menas?). But then his head got big, he said something ridiculous about flaxseed oil, he hates Boston, and all of a sudden, he is the antichrist.

It's hard to defend Barry Bonds. He hurts himself. But Shawn Merriman said pretty much the same thing last year and NFL fans don't bat an eye. If memory serves, I believe he made the pro bowl and was at least in the running for defensive player of the year. Now, there's Harrison.

Harrison cheated, just like Bonds, Palmeiro, Sosa, and McGwire did. And he is receiving a free pass. Why? Is it because we presume that all NFLers do this? Is it because he sounded good during his press conference? Is it because he plays for our beloved Pats? Whatever the reason, I think it is bunk.

Truth be told, I could not care less if Rodney Harrison took steroids. I really don't. I bet he would have been good anyways. And I feel the same way about Bonds. But why the different treatment? Now, I know what the easy arguments are: Baseballs most hallowed records were broken by cheaters, baseball is Americas game, Harrison was contrite. But really, if you can sit back and evaluate it realistically, the fact that the NFL gets a free pass on it's drug policy is ridiculous. They test you say. I say bullshit. More do it in baseball you say. I say bullshit.

Athletes in the NFL are freaks. I know they are not all steroid freaks (something tells me that Grammatica dude doesn't use'em), but neither are baseball players. If you came here tomorrow from Tatooine and had to pick a basbeall team just by look from all of the major leaguers, Ichiro would be the last pick I'm sure. He'd be Mr. Irrelevant. Remember that the next time you are scanning the league leaders in Average and see his name up there.

And remeber this: When Rodney Harrison makes the Hall of Fame in a couple years (and that sack/int record coupled with his rings and other stats indicate that he is a shoe in) remeber that he too, was a big fat chater. But you Mr and Mrs NFL fan gave him a pass because you liked his press conference. So if you were one of the tossers that booed Bonds in Fenway last June, please boo Harrison when he makes his debut where the Revolution play. Because if you don't, you, like the front office denizens at the NFL, are big fat fakes.