Yeah It's A Cheat- But I Got Much On My Mind!

Mailing it in with an easy post. At least you have a lot to respond to...

As you know, I have long been a Manny apologist/supporter. And they are certainly better with him in the lineup and people are ignorant if they think he is so easily replaced. But when my boy Gammons jumps off the bandwagon (he didn't even jump off the Bonds bandwagon), then I have to leave too. It's really too bad. You wish he would have handled it differently. It would be nice if he just went out and dominated and then forced everyones hand. But nobody likes someone who bails with a fake injury. Interesting who he has sat against too...

Saw The Dark Knight. It is good. Very good. Heath Ledger is absolutely worthy of every bit of praise being showered upon him. There is really nothing left to say that hasn't been said. The hair stood up on my arms every time he was on screen. Not over the top, not taking himself too seriously. I was worried that it might be a Daniel Day-Lewis like performance in which he gets an Oscar before anyone sees him, but that's not the case. He crushed it. Are we fascinated with his death? Most certainly, but dead or alive, the performance was beyond description...

That said, the movie IS NOT the Greatest Movie Ever as some people seem to think it is (I can't believe it's number one on iMDB right now). It ran too long and got too convoluted in the same way that The Departed did. And that's what i don't like about Christopher Nolan (I'm starting the Memento Sucks blog). Rather than realize that simple and subtle can be amazing, he tries to make everything an "epic" movie that has to make a "statement." The plot development introduced in the final 45 minutes should have waited until the next movie, but it wasn't bad enough to destroy the movie in a let's introduce-a-bunch-of-adult-characters-in-a-high-school-movie way like Superbad did...

Have you read Emily Giffin's new book yet? Well, you should. Love The One You're With is great and she is the Michael Jordan of chick-lit... You'll burn through it at the beach...

Well, under 100 days to the election and Mick Jagger- I mean Barack Obama continues to gather steam. And I love it. He's the greatest candidate to run for anything in my lifetime. But I'm standing by my statements: No way he wins. I like my steak medium rare Scott, with the mashed and steamed broccoli on the side...

Played some golf two weeks ago. While I always shit on the game, it was fun. A scramble really is the only way to go. But you have to agree with me that it completely sucks up your day. You can't do ANYTHING when you are done. And where are all the women on the golf course? A bar is still way better...

Great Top 10 List on joblo.com. It's about the best high school movies of all time. It's nearly perfect and I was so, SO happy about #2. That movie is just awesome and deserves some love. And who can argue with #1..?

Back to the Sox for a minute. While the Manny thing is sucking up all our time and energy, no one has said a single word about the two gaping holes in the Red Sox lineup. Jacoby Ellsbury (Johan who?), the novelty has worn off. Are you going to get a clutch hit? And The Captain... yes, I hate him and his flat top, but are you serious? I read that his VORP is in the negative, which means they are better off having a AAA catcher in his place. And can we stop the handling the pitching staff thing? I think that Tom Glavine and Greg Maddux won there 600+ games with a different catcher or two...

On September 23, both TV On the Radio and Cold War Kids have new albums. Think I'll be at Newbs that day? And CWK has a new song on myspace. Ridic. Something tells me you'll see them show up on my end of the year song list. Let's see if they have a tune that can unseed this years best song, "Le Ruse..."

And the year's best album? Easy. The Virginia EP by The National...

That's a cheat, since it's an EP, so I'll go Vampire Weekend. Put that on start to finish and you don't skip a song. Rare these days. And further proof that music is NOT the worst it's ever been Eric! You just gotta find the right stuff...

Shocking that Matt and Shayne Lamas from The Bachelor split up, eh? I always watch that show, but could ABC stop pretending that it's about people finding true love? Just embrace that it's about a bunch of people trying to get on TV and it would be a lot more likable...

Speaking of TV, I started to watch Generation Kill and it looks like great stuff. Wild place that Marine Corp. A gay joke every fifteen sentences. Races overtly hating on other races. Thankfully, it's a mini-series so I don't have to wait eight years to see the end. Now if only Mad Men were a mini-series, then maybe I'd watch. I'm sure it's great, it's just that my time is too precious what with my blogging, drinking, and texting Top Gun ("Get your butts outta that flight gear and get up to Viper's office... Now.)quotes at three in the morning...

Even more TV: Vinnie Chase and the boys are back September 7th. Don't care what anybody says about that show. I'll always love it, largely because I wish it were my life...

I swear, I won't flip flop on him, but it would be funny if Tommy Boy came out and threw like ten interceptions in his first four games on a way to a 1-3 start. It would be funny because the Pats would be 1-3, but what would be funnier is listening to all the Masshole Pat fans hate on Brady and blame his crappy start on his "Hollywood Life Style." That would make me like Brady maybe thismuch. Unfortunately, he's too damn good to have that happen...

I feel like the whole Budweiser getting purchased by a Belgian Brewery didn't get the play it deserved. How does this affect the good red blooded American? Will they switch to Miller or Coors? And how to Bud screw this whole thing up? This is a business fold of epic proportions and I still haven't heard how it all came unglued for Budweiser. Maybe it is because they haven't had a funny ad in 30 years...

Speaking of ads, cell phone companies have hilarious ones. That one where the Dad makes the lactose intolerant joke and the sons laugh is awesome. It can't beat the one where the two dudes are sitting at a table and one friend shows the other his lower back tattoo and before the sentence is finished, his friend across the table has him "out of his fave five and maybe out of his life forever." Hilarious...

I was thinking of going out on disability for the carpal tunnel I have developed blogging here in summer school. Anyone know some body building competitions I can enter..?

Raise your hand if you want Brett Favre sent to Siberia...

I've been watching a bunch of The Kingdom lately. While it has it's flaws, I feel it is a way better action movie than anyone gives it credit for. And watching Jennifer Gardner get her ass whipped (Literally. Whipped, as in thrown) around the room is awesome. Even more awesome is what she does in return. Such an intense scene...

Anyone hear the new tracks from Chinese Democracy yet? I heard one that was pretty good and one that was maybe worse than "Man In The Box." What do you think Axl is doing RIGHT NOW. I got money saying he is NOT rising early to greet a new day while eating an egg white omelette and watching reruns of 227...

Have any of you gone out to eat with old people lately? It's about as fun as a rectal exam. At what age do you just say "screw tact and politeness?" Is it 50? 55? I've said it once and I'll say it again. Hit me over the head with a shovel at 40 and spare me the agony. How long is the line for that honor..?

What's more delicious in the summer, a lobster roll or fried clams? More importantly, what's healthier..?

And along the lines of food, what is the price that cereal has to go to before we stop buying it? $7 a box? $8? $10? It's beyond insane. And it's not even that good. Or filling. And how much does it cost to make that box of Honey Nut Cheerios? Six cents..?

Last Batman comment... Last week Ty Burr wrote an unbelievable article about why The Dark Knight is currently the cultural phenomenon that it is. And he was dead on with a bunch of observations (you can read it on the right), but I'd like to add to it. I think that a huge part of the film is that males in their teens and twenties haven't had that movie experience when they can truly call a movie their own. They tried it with Sin City and 300, but upon further viewings, they probably (and hopefully) realized that both movies aren't good and so these said males couldn't make those films theirs. The Lord Of The Rings was a contender, but that was EVERYONE'S movie, not just theirs. We in the seventies and early eighties had Star Wars, Rocky, and The Indiana Jones movies. The child of the mid and late 80s was given John Hughes movies and even ET. The 90s brought us college boys Pulp Fiction and Seven and The Usual Suspects. Hell, the 90s even gave tweens their movie in Titanic. But it's been a long time since a film had a cultural impact and even if The Dark Knight is not that film, those born in the late 80s and early nineties are going to make it that movie. And, as a super fan boy nerd myself (of some movie that had characters named Fett and Solo), I can't hate on these cats, much as I want to yell at them for Nolan's attempt at making a Shakesperean Tragedy (just make it about Batman and the Joker dude! That was money!). So, congrats Kids of The Bush I administartion, you found your it film...

And lastly, big ups (and big, BIG good lucks) to my main man and brother, Mike. Wednesday and Thursday he takes the Bar. I know you're as nervous as hell Mike, but you're the snmartest person I ever met, present company included. You'll make it through. And if you don't there's always PBR and Monday in Central Park. And oh yeah, 35 years of working at BHS. Best of luck to my best friend...

The Worst Place On Earth

To steal a quote from my brother, I have more in common with people in Alabama than I do the people who go out at night in the bars and clubs at Faneuil Hall.

There is a awesomely hilarious website called Get off My Island (link to the right) and as you can see, it deals with riff raff (Guidos) on Long Island. I think it's time we start something similar here in Boston because I almost couldn't believe what I saw a couple weeks ago.

You would think I would know by now. I mean, I really should. But forgive me. I live, shop, eat, and drink in a neighborhood of people similar to me. Melrose High, despite its' lunacy, has people also like me (most specifically Phyllis Dragonas). The people at my Bally's, my friends (despite their horrific fashion sense), and my family all think and act pretty similar to me. They've seen No Country For Old Men, they like Hang me Up To Dry, they shop at Urban Outfitters, they like breakfast places, Starbucks, Anna's burritoes, micro brews, sushi, girls with bangs, t-shirts, assists, Barack Obama, living by the water, Netflix, and roof racks. And they get stuffwhitepeoplelike (or at least they better or they are not going to get that last sentence). So really, maybe I'm the sheltered one. Maybe I'm the one that needs to meet some new people. Maybe I'm the one who needs to get out there and enjoy a little culture.

And so it was a couple of weeks ago that I crossed through Faneuil Hall on my way to the North End. A few steps into Boston's number one tourist destination, I thought that maybe I had fallen down and woken up somewhere else. I felt like Michael Douglas in The Game when he realizes he's in Mexico. Only I thought I was in New Jersey. Or Long Island. Or maybe Revere, Everett, Saugus, Billerica, Methuen, Tewksbury, or even New Hampshire. And for a brief second, I thought I had maybe pulled a Marty McFly and ended up back in 2001 and my Delorean drove right into Waterworks.

But after realizing that none of the above had occured, I put it all together and deduced that I was in Boston. Liberal, progressive, Boston. Home of gay marriages, Harvard Square, Newbury Street, overpriced housing, and The Phoenix. The place where Matt Damon and Ben Affleck grew up. The place that invented Guitar Hero and Rock Band. The place where the DNC was just held and where Barack Obama had his coming out party.

But as I stood on the threshhold of Waterworks- er, Faneuil Hall- I realized that the Boston that I know and love is not the Boston that many people know and love. In fact, as I stood there taking in The Striped Shirt Army (thanks again Mike and Matt!), oggling the blowouts, and tallying up the gold chains and Ed Hardy shirts, I realized that Boston- the city of my people- might be filled with more dislikable people than I ever though imaginable.

I mean, where were the hipsters? Where were the skinny jeans and the Asics? Where were the Chucks, the Western Button downs, the beards (not the chin strap ones either), and the shag hair cuts? Where were the ironic cut off corduroy shorts? Why was I seeing so much gel and so many tribal tatoos? Why did everybody look... like fucking Massholes?!?!?

And then it hit me: Massachusetts is full of Massholes.

With the exception of a few pockets of Boston and a few outlying suburbs (of which Pepperell is not one), the state of Massachusetts is full of lots and lots and lots of absolute, complete, total chuckahs.

Some of you may have heard that I have a strict No New Hampshire Policy, but I am thinking of changing that to a No Past Melrose Policy (might have to be adjusted to Lynnfield) in the North and a No Past South Boston Policy for the south. But given some of the ass clowns down there, I might have to make that policy in the south a No Past Chinatown Policy.

Now I know. I am sounding like a complete and total snob/poseur/elitist/pompous douche but I really don't like Massholes. Especially when they are guys.

I don't like the Yeah Dude thing, I don't like The LA Looks styled hair, I don't like the white hats, I don't like untucked striped button downs, and I definitely don't like guys who want to get in fights. I used to think that Massachusetts women were way classier than the dudes and to an extent, I still definitely do. But while Masshole Chicks are certainly more fashionable (thanks Forever 21, for making inexpensive rip offs of the clothing from The Hills and Gossip Girls) and less outdated than their male counterparts, they are often not much better, what with their love of guys who wear white Polo hats. They can be just as Massholey and have you ever really listened to the Boston accent on a woman? You know, that really thick South Shore/North Shore one? It sure ain't good.

I realize that some of this may be chalked up to my age. Perhaps I'm becoming wiser to such ridiculousness. perhaps I was a lot more like the aforementioned dudes when I was 23. Perhaps I'm just morphing into a salty curmudgeon.

But what I do know is that I never liked Faneuil Hall. I never liked The Rack or The Purple Shamrock and while I did spend my fair share of nights at Three Floors of Whores, I do know that I always preferred the Burren.

And so as I stood in stunned silence trying to take the collection of Massholes stnading before me, I realized that Boston is just too small. It's too close to the suburbs and there is literally no other "city" to go for almost an hour in any direction. While Providence, Worcester, and Portsmouth are all fun, are you really driving to those places if you live in Wilmington, Burlington, Tewksbury, Reading, Dedham, or Hingham? No, you're not and so the only place you have to go is Boston. And since the only place you know is Faneuil Hall, then you are all going to end up in the same place. Fanueil Hall is like the Masshole Perfect Storm. It's a combination of every suburb within a fifteen mile radius and all the little subcultures that each of these suburbs bring. It's Hollister, Uggs with a denim skirt, over sized button downs, baggy jeans, tilted hats, bad tatoos, and Dustin Pedroia shirts all rolled into one. It's like the Masshole melting pot.

And I can't blame these people really. What should they do, drink at the Benigans in Woburn on a Saturday night? I mean, yeah, that would benefit me and my fellow wannabe, poseur Bostonians (I'm from Burlington! That's like when Sue said he was from LA and he was really from Anaheim!), but it's not going to happen. But that's okay because we have other places to go.

And it appears it is those other places that have really thrown me for a loop. Because I have been sheltering myself in the various squares of Cambridge and Somerville with the occassional foray into the line free bars of Beacon Hill, Fenway, Boylston, and The South End, I have forgotten that Boston is not really the city I think it is. And really, why would I think it is? We are always late getting to the party fashion wise, our go out outfits are often adorned with the Patriots logo, the women are often not attractive, and there is nary a cool LA/Brooklyn/Brit Pop band to be found. While we CLAIM to be progressive politically and socially, we are about as far behind the pop culture/coolness charts as... Little Rock.

And that kinda sucks. Because if you want to live in the city, but stay in the area, you have very few choices. It seems that other cities (this from the guy who never travels) have much more city like people socializing/going out in them. I mean c'mon, there's no way that a bar in The Village or Soho or The Lower East Side sees a dude with the same haircut the Gotti Sons made popular five years ago, is there? Does San Fran and Chicago and Montreal and Austin and Seattle and Paris have this problem? Do those places have their own versions of Massholes invading THEIR cities just as we Bostonians have an invasion of Skecher wearing goofballs invading ours? For their sakes, I really, REALLY hope they don't.

But as I drifted out of Faneuil Hall, headed toward my dinner in The North End (there's a WHOLE OTHER scene! Does anyone there use their inside voice when speaking in The North End?), my irritation subsided, because I know that Faneuil Hall isn't the REAL Boston. I know that I still have my own secret enclaves where I could hang out amongst MY people- meaning poseurish white dudes who are too old to be wearing concert tee shirts. I know there are "hidden gems" where the beards are on hipsters and not on guidos. I know the places where you can find the PBR on tap and Feist on the jukebox.

And as I walked out of The Worst Place on Earth, I looked back for the briefest second, just to make sure that I wasn't in Doc's Delorean. Because if I was in said time machine, I probably would have seen some dude in a bucket hat, Abercrombie shirt, and jorts chanting Go, Go U, Go UMass and screaming about what a great pick Kurt Warner was in the last round now that he was starting over an injured Trent Green. Loser.

Why Didn't This Happen Fifteen Years Ago?

I used to not like female sports reporters that much and for a long time, I blamed you Alice Cook.

When I was a kid, Alice Cook had a somewhat recurring role on Channel 4 Sports. I used to watch her "special" reports and I was never that into them. I felt like she was always talking about some marathoner who overcame cancer. And while these "feel good sports stories" occassionally get to me now (Josh Hamilton's story is wild), back then, I just wanted to see some out of town scores and highlights from George Brett and Cal Ripken so I could know who to draft on my "fantasy wiffle ball team" (why I didn't find a way to somehow capitalize on this now billion dollar industry pisses me off a bit) the following summer.

And so because of this poor introduction into female sportscasters, I have had a long standing dislike for them. I especially disliked these women in what I like to call the "dark days of my Alex P. Keaton Conservative Youth" when I hated all things not white male. I also didn't like that I had to suffer through years of television executives wanting women with "credibility" and so I had to watch the likes of Mary Carillo, Jackie MacMullan (a face made for print journalism) and Linda Cohn. I always wondered why they didn't trot out a Paulina Porizkova (I liked her in my pre teen years) type.

But there were also rationale, somewhat more concrete reasons why I didn't like female sportscasters. In my heart of hearts, I really didn't think women liked sports. They just said they did in the hopes that it impressed dudes (in the interest of full disclosure, I SILL think this and if you disagree with my hypothesis, then saunter on over to match.com and check out the number of redsoxgurlforlife screen names you'll see).

Then, it just shocked me that women wanted any part of this culture. To this day, I would love to know how much- in the alpha male world of professional sports- these women are looked down upon. So I often wondered (wonder?) why women would even want to get into the field. As our generation evolves into more free thinking, accepting culture, I truly hope that this doesn't happen, but given what I hear coming out of high school coaches mouths, I sometimes feel that the boys club that is professional sports will never allow any female constituents. What Lisa Olsen went through with Zeke Mowat and company is exhibit number 1A of how awful these relationships must be. I hope these relationships improve, but I get the sense that there will never be equality between the female sports reporter and the male professional athlete. In fact, it will likely always be at best a 70/30 realtionship. And I think you know who the 70 is in that relationship.

But, since we had that whole women's suffrage thing, the Equal Rights Amendment and blah, blah, blah, then we as a society HAD to grant women the right to be sportscasters and so it appears that women will forever and always be in this field. With that in mind, I guess I will have to rid my 1950s belief that women don't belong in sports and just accept it. And last night, while watching the home run derby, I decided that the TV execs have finally got it right and so not only do I accept women sportscasters, but I think I full on embrace it. Here's why: The people running sports broadcasting decided to just trot out hotties.

A decade or so ago, TV execs tried at first to give us professional women. They likely did this in attempt to show us that they were NOT part of the boys club and they were progressive and free thinking. Then they tried to give us kind of professional and kind of hot when they realized that the straight up professional chicks were garnering zero credibility and looked strictly like window dressing.

But now, those same execs have punted the whole idea of professional and just given us hot. And I love it.

This progression, which happened very quickly, was a four step process that went somewhat like this...

So As Not To Make It Look Too Obvious, Hire The Really Cute But Not Straight Out Bangin' Hot Like That Girl In Your Botany Class Sophmore Year Who Looked Like She Had Real Potential But Was Always Wearing A Sweatshirt: This category is made up of one person, Melissa Stark. I have absolutely no idea what she does now and a quick google search says she is out of sports. But she was solid and surprisingly unannoying. She was considered uber hot when she debuted, but that's because I think we were all used to seeing Armen Keteyian down there on the sideline and so anything blonde with boobies was going to look solid. But then TV execs decided to say fuck it, we're hiring...

The Cougar, Fairly Skanky Looking Women Who Were Going To Appeal To Middle Aged Men, But Still Not Be Good Enough To Be Accepted Completely By The Masses Because, While Hot, They May, Just MAY Have Gotten Their Jobs Because They Were Marginally Talented: These are Leeann Tweeden, Jill Arrington, and one of my personal favorite cougars (and a true butterface Franco), Jillian Barberie. While it was obvious that these women were put on TV because of their skanability factor, it was somehow excused by the masses because they gave them preposterous jobs like reporting the weather at football stadiums (Barberie) or doing a preview of The X Games (Tweeden). Also, while hot and skanky, they were a bit old and were almost caricatures of themselves (playing the role of the hot, dumb girl in on the sports thing) and so they weren't taken seriously. That's when the big wigs in the television industry said...

We Might Want To Tweak This And Bring In Some Women Who Are Hot, But Also Have Some Sports Background So This Whole Thing Isn't Looking Too Pathetic: That's when your Summer Sanders/Kathryn Tappen type came on board. They were solid athletes in sports that didn't command big money or big ratings (swimming and track), and they also happened to be cute. They were a professional step up from the aforementioned Cougs, but there was still something missing. And what was missing was total hotness. That's when the Head Honchos at CBS/NBC/ESPN/FOX/ABC said...

Fuck Looking Too Pathetic Or Obvious... We Are Hiring Former Beauty Queens Who Are Straight Up Hot And We'll Teach Them How To Act In Front Of A Camera And If We All Agree To Do This, Then All These Women Will Have To Be Taken Seriously And In Five Years Time, We'll Forget The Days We Even Thought About Trotting Out Peter Vescey: You can also call this Hot Sideline Reporter Collusion and the results have been on a local level Heidi Whatney and Julie Donaldson (who has shown us why it is not good to date a guy who plays SlamBall). Now, I'm sure at every single local affiliate there are two women just like Heidi and Julie (who are both not at all annoying and not at all painful to look at... I mean watch) because that apparently is the obvious trend. One of them out in LA was so good looking that Derek Lowe decided to ditch Trinka and shack up with said hottie. Apparently, the New York sports stations are also toting around these hotties and I bet they show up in Texas, Chicago, Philly, and every other television market that has a sports team.

It has been hilarious to see this brilliant change. It happened almost overnight and now these women are popping up everywhere and why not? I mean really, what took the TV Honchos this long to come up with this idea? Was Jim Grey really netting networks ratings? And even if these women have absolutely zero credibility and seem woefully out of place, do you even care? Are you even hearing what these hotties are saying? Do you care what they are saying? It's a genius change. And because this new breed of women sportscasters hold the traits desired by the more superficial man, I greatly applaud this change.

My days of hating Alice Cook are over. She was never the issue. What was the issue was my- even at the age of ten- wanting to see hot girls. And so in fact, I've come to like Alice Cook because I realize that she paved the way for hotties like Heidi and Julie. She's like the Rosa Parks of female sportscasters. And she helped me morph from a female sportcaster hater into a supporter of the group.

Now, if she could just some how get me to meet the crown jewel of female sportcasters, Erin Andrews, then I'd be really happy for her. I am still holding out for Megan Fox post dumping of Brian Austin Green (finally!), but she hasn't called yet. So after watching three hours of home run derby and spending a good deal of that time with Erin Andrews (watching her interview George Lopez in that dress at the celebrity softball game actually made watching someone interview George Lopez enjoyable), I've decided that she'd be a fine Future Ex Mrs. Coughlin.

If you can make that happen Alice, I'd be doubly happy with you. Thanks.

Nice Guys Finish First

I've never been in a fight. I've never gotten arrested or been sucker. I've never had a woman at a bar slap me or dump a drink on my head (although I would love to know what I would have to do to have this happen to me). I'm not that guy who strips down on the bachelor party bus and moons passerbys on 95 (I experienced this once). I'm not the guy who pounds Jack and jumps naked into the pool. I've never been kicked out of a bar or been refused entrance to a bar. In fact, I've never even been shut off (oh wait, I was at the 99 in Woburn), fallen off a stool or passed out at a bar. I didn't womit into a bottle like my friend did on his 21st and I've never thrown a bottle at the stage. I've never creeped out a buddies new girlfriend (at least I hope I haven't) or been that way drunk guy at a one year old birthday party. About the worst thing I've done is wear a deep V-neck shirt and comb my hair with a fork.

Even though I do none of this, I have found out recently that I am the guy that people get "nervous" introducing to other people.

In the interest of full disclosure, this might make sense if you've known me in my raging twenties. Politics, classic rock, and the awesomeness of Caddyshack, The Godfather, and the greatness of the NFL are a few areas that did (and still do- but on a much calmer, more sane(r?) level) get me wound up.

Now, by no means am I asking for sympathy. My friend Bri gets nervous introducing me to people who have like personalities as me, not because of my ideas or views. He sometimes feels that two strong personalities have difficulty co-existing. And my friends Waidehi and Steve always felt the same way. And I understand that my delvery is sometimes confrontational as when someone says, "my favorite band is Rush/Sublime/Led Zeppelin," my response will NOT be, "why yes kind sir/madam, those are fine bands and while I respect you and your vast knowledge of all things music, I must say that my own personal tastes differ from yours and my musical pallete does not enjoy the melodic sounds of Geddy Lee, Robert Plant, and that dead dude who sings in Spanish." What you will hear me say (with eyes looking skyward and the accent and volume increased for the last word) is: "Led Zeppelin absolutely SUCKS!"

Now, I have come to do most of this for fun. And at this point in my life, an over the top response in regards to the arts is almost expected from others. And I hope that new people see and appreciate this and maybe get a laugh out of it. I also hope that they quickly see that they can shit on my poseur indie rock music, my Baby Gap tee shirts, and my ever changing hair. Because sitting at a party talking about how Billy is now CRAWLING, that tragic fire in New Bedford, the price it took to fill up your Acura SUV, or the best sushi in town is boring. I want a bit more and since everyone likes film, music, sports, and books, it is always fun to talk about those- mostly because the garner very strong responses.

One area where I have worked very hard to improve me "conversation" abilities is politics. I try to see where people are coming from on the War in Iraq and why they prefer a flat tax. I completely understand people who are pro-life, pro-gun (that Supreme Court decision couldn't even get me angry enough for a blog rant), and anti universal health care. And although I am a liberal, I love getting the tree huggers going about the environment and why I think recycling is stupid (I really don't- I'm just not very passionate about it). I also hope that people understand and hear me when I talk about why other countries hate us, why scoial programs are good, and how ridiculous you sound when you say we should build a wall along the Mexican border.

But one area where I will never shut my mouth, where I will never be "the nice guy," where the veins will always bulge forth from my neck is when people display an overt hatred for people of other races, cultures, or sexualities than me.

Hating gay people and immigrants and using the words ni**er and faggot are not about conservative politics and liberal politics. They are about right and wrong, that simple. Of course, we have freedom of speech in this country and if people would like to hide behind that veil, then fine. But that's a weak argument.

But back to my original point. People are sometimes nervous to introduce me to new people because said new people might have hateful view of our races, cultures, or sexualities. And they might say words like ni**er and faggot. But it is not those people they are nervous about. it is me they are nervous about because they think- know- that I will say something. And they are nervous that people may say, "yeah know, I had a good time hanging out with so and so but that gerard guy was really an asshole. I can't believe he yelled at me for saying faggot and then he got mad at me when I said Barack Obama was a Muslim. He sucks."

Allow me to say that I have never once in my life been so happy to be so hated.

Because if I ever come to the point where I am NOT the guy saying something after the word faggot is dropped, then that is the time to shoot me.

But I know that this behavior of calling people out on their overt, masked in political leanings hatred will never grant me the title of "nice guy."

And I couldn't be prouder.

I've had the discussion about the phrase, "but he's a nice guy" with many people, many times. Think about how many times you've had a conversation like this...

"He's a crazy drunk, but he's a nice guy..."

"He sometimes tells a black joke, but he's a nice guy..."

"He says really inappropriate things with women around, but he's a nice guy..."

"He likes to get in fights, but he's a nice guy..."

"He gets hookers, but he's a nice guy..."

"He hates gays, but he's a nice guy..."

"He says towel head a lot, but he's a nice guy..."

Truly, I don't have a problem with a bunch of the aforementioned. We all have flaws. And in my eyes, great people can overcome those flaws.

But it is starnge what we will excuse and why. We will excuse all level of offensive and discriminatory behavior with all manner of excuses (he comes from a different generation, he doesn't know any better), but it's starnge thatintelligence, coherence, and rationality are not excused.

And I think that's why I never hear...

"Gerard defends his beliefs, calls people on their bullshit, does it in a coherent and articulate manner, speaks his mind, rebukes people who use faggot and ni**er, but he's a nice guy..?"

I never hear that because a nice guy isn't considered nice if they open their mouth.

"Nice" guys sit back and let people say what they want and don't rock the boat. Well, we all know what those bumper stickers say, but people who don't rock the boat rarely change things.

And if you are willing to change things, then you must be willing to never be called a nice guy.

And that's what I don't get. Why do we excuse things like homophobia, racism, misogyny, and other forms of hatred with a simple phrase like, "...but he's a nice guy?" Why do we say that we "can't chnge someone" or "they are who they are?"

Saying all of that and not bothering to fight the fight is fine. I completely understand why people choose not to respond when someone drops faggot at a party. It makes everything easier to not say anything. It offends no one. But for some people, it's hard not to say something and when we do decide to say something, we are often seen in less than positive light. And you'll never earn the right to be called a "nice guy."

I'm not asking to be called a nice guy. Because I'm not. And when I do speak up, I know I run the risk of bothering people and rubbing people the wrong way. But I never wake up the next morning regretting that I didn't say anything.

So don't call me a nice guy. Never said I was. But if you are not going to call me a nice guy, then don't excuse the unaaceptable behavior of others with the caveat of, "but he's a nice guy."

Because most likely, he's not.

Sue... Check It Out. It Is So On With The Rays Right Now.

We all know how awesome the phrase "jumped the shark" is, but is there an equivalent phrase we can use when we realize that very first moment that something great may be taking shape?

You know what I'm talking about. It's then moment when you realize, "Wow... This is awesome."

Take for example Michael Clayton. You are already rolling along, really into the movie and then they drop in that scene describing Michael's background and you realize what it is Michael Clayton does for the company and how ridiuclously awesome he (and in turn, the film) are. Or in Se7en, when Mills and Sommerset are stumped and they realize that a library card might work. They go meet some shady guy, they get some information and you say, "man this movie is good."

Or it can happen in music. You throw in Feist because you liked her first album and you liked what she did with Broken Social Scene and then you hear "I Feel It All" and say, "what the hell was that?!?" Same thing with a live band. You're sitting at a booth in Bills when some random band comes on, and by the second song, you've turned around. As the fourth, fifth, and sixth tunes are belted out, you find that you have vacated your seat and moved to the front of the stage. Next thing you know, you're spending the next 104 Thursdays in the back room of The Burren sining along to "Weapon" and "Baby Blue".

So in much the same way we use "jump the shark" as a catch all phrase ("my friendship with Larry has jumped the shark"), I think we need a similar catch all phrase to describe that moment we realize that something is awesome.

I think they phrase should be, "Wow. This movie just Red Sox/Rayed it."

Because over the past three nights, I think we just witnessed the birth of awesomeness.

Despite the fact that the Sox just got manhandled- and that it appears Jason Varitek is following the Jim Rice/Drew Bledsoe path of losing all athletic ability in the span of 7.6 seconds- by the Rays and are now 3 1/2 games out of first, I love this feldgling rivalry. And really, what's not to love because this Rays/Sox thing is so awesome on so many levels?

For starters, we finally have games against someone other than the Yankees to get impassioned about (and I've been waiting for this since the very first moment I spied a Jeter sucks ARod shirt on some chuckah with a barb wire tattoo). Maybe The Pink Hats and the yahoos will realize that there are MANY big games that go on during a baseball season, not just the ones against our neighbors from the Bronx. That's number one, but there are a litany of other reasons this is Rays/Sawx thing is money...

1. There's plenty of bad blood. And frankly, this goes all the way back to the early days of the Devil Rays when Pedro was plunking Gerald "The Ice" Williams and then calling him a baby after the game. Not to mention Coco and his Neo moves earlier this year.

2. The Rays are damn good. In fact, they are so damn good that they are better than the beloved Red Sox and the hated Yankees- for now. They have been flirting with offensive talent for so many years, but it appears they finally have put together a pitching staff as well. The Delmon Young for Matt Garza deal looks awesome, James Shields can pitch, and Scott Kazmir is a legitimate 1A ace.

3. They have a fat old guy who once had to go on the DL for an illness that was caused by a combination of too much dip, coffe, red meat, and booze. That guy is a Troy Percival and the aforementioned is a true story. And it wasn't even gout he had, it was some other illness. Couple that with the fact that he's a fat old guy now and what's not to like?

4. They have a great/hateable manager. Part of the reason I was always such a Yankee Apologizer was Joe Torre. Not only is he one of the most likeable men in baseball, but you get the sense that he was one of the most likeable men on Earth. Not so with Joe Maddon. He irritates the shit out of me. Those goofy Lisa Loeb glasses and that smarmy grin. I don't like him. I also don't like that he basically said they were going to throw at Coco prior to the game in which they did throw at Coco and nothing happened to him. Unfortunately though, he appears to be a great in game manager. And you know that David Ortiz shift you hate so much because it takes away twenty-thirty hits a year from Papi? That was first introduced to the league by none other than Joe Maddon.

5. They have some dilikable cats. Again, the Yanks were always professionals and while you could hate ARod, there weren't a lot of hateable guys on that team. The Rays? They have guys to hate aplenty and if you watched any of this series, you know what I mean. Now, because I love baseball first and the Red Sox second, much of what went on didn't personally bother me, but it should bother the masses. What was up with all the yelling and fist pumping the Rays did? Why was B.J. Upton celebrating a lead off homer like it was a game 7 walk off homer? And why were those bullpen losers were screaming and fist pumping after seventh inning third outs with nobody on base on June 30th? Now, I obviously understand that they are happy to be where they are, given their history, but c'mon boys. Channel a little bit of Barry Sanders and act like you've been there before. Or at the very least, realize it's still NOT EVEN THE ALL-STAR BREAK!!! Oh yeah, and then there's James Shields. He has a blow out and a pencil beard and looks like he belongs on the Jersey shore or at the very least, Waterworks.

It has been difficult getting back into the Red Sox after what the Celtics did and how they did it. It also has been difficult getting into them because it is still only July and we have been used to them automatically making the playoffs. But if you missed this series, well then that is too bad. And if you didn't, well then circle September 8th on your calendar because that is the start of six Red Sox/Rays games in the span of ten days. Maybe one team won't be in it, maybe neither team will be. But if this weeks series was any indication, then they will both be there and it will be fun.

Until then, bide your time by watching the boring, third place Yankees this weekend.

Somewhere... Somehow... Someone Is Going To Pay!

Because I work sixteen hours a week during the summer, I have even more spare time than usual. So what have I been doing with that time? Naturally, I've been sitting on the couch, flipping through the channels and watching movies I've watched a combined 6,981 times already. Sounds about right, doesn't it? And here's what I picked up on my five hour flipping fete last night...

Top Gun is awesome. I feel like this movie has carved a pretty nice niche into our pop culture but it should really deserves to be even MORE a part of our pop culture. There are so many great things about this movie, starting with the fact that there is absolutely no CGI and so the stock footage/stunts/models look so much better than what is out there today (watch the ridiculousness of Stealth to see just what I'm talking about). And then what's not to like about the gayest, non-gay moment in the history of films in the beach volleyball scene? Or how about the ludicrous emoting from Maverick ("I know better than that. I should never leave my wingman.")? How about that score? And a soundtrack featuring 80's gods Kenny Loggins AND Berlin? Then there's the Ice
sniffling/sighing/looking for the right words speech to Maverick ("Everybody liked him. I'm sorry."). If I had a myspace/facebook/match.com profile, I'd ask people to do their best Ice sniffling impression when they friend requested me. And if they have no idea what I'm talking about, then they are out. Bonus points if they do that bite thing...

I'm not sure why it is I root for Lindsey Lohan (probably because I find her ridiculously hot), but I really do want her to succeed. Piling on is fun (Bennifer, Britney), but when someone actually has a shred of talent (Mean Girls, Freaky Friday) and they still can't get it together, it's tough to watch. So i wanted to like Georgia Rule. But I didn't. It's to the point where Lindsey might have to go on a Travolta like ten year hiatus and then grab a Tarantino script and resurrect her career in true Vincent Vega fashion...

If Rounders were released at the height of poker four years ago, it would have been a legendary smash hit. Unfortunately, it was released six years too early and pretty much tanked in the theaters (why it did is still befudlling to film execs). That said, this movie holds up incredibly well and it is so simply/beautifully written. It's got interesting subplots and I can't believe how well acted it is (John Tuturro, Martin Landau, and Famke Jansen are awesome in their supporting roles) with Damon and Norton making two really easy, sort of generic roles very interesting. I love that everybody likes Mike McDermott except for his girlfriend. All this is missing is a performance from Gary Oldman as an over the top goon chasing down Worm. Speaking of Oldman...

Why don't they make straight up gun action movies like The Professional anymore? It seems that fan boys prefer the swords and sandals/kung fu actioneers and so the straight shoot'em up has temporarily died out (although Wanted looks like it has potential). The Professional shows that these movies TOTALLY need to make a come back. The opening and closing scenes are unbelievably choregraphed and fun. That last shootout has you cheering for Leon
like you've never cheered for a character before. Also cool is the fact that this is the only picture that Natalie Portman is NOT annoying and I love- as my bro pointed out- that Leon is not some sleek, suave killing machine. He's by no means a bumbling idiot, but 007, he ain't and then makes him even cooler. Bonus points for the awesome score that accompanies this pic...

Over on 341 was The Last Kiss. I know this sounds like sour grapes, but really, how does Zach Braff get movies made? Garden State was loved by critics, but watch this movie in two years and it will be laughably irrelevant and out of date. It'll be Generation Y's version of Singles and Reality Bites. Then Braff followed the worst movie ever with this piece of trash. How the hell did he get all these actors to sign on for this movie? Nothing about it is good, including the ridiculously unreal "male friends." They go through these painfully banal, trite "issues" that are almost too sickening and too contrived to write. And then I'm supposed to believe that Rachel Billson would really go for Zach Braff? She throws herself at him! And not to mention the fact that this movie almost (ALMOST) wrecked "Chocolate" for me...

On the direct opposite of the spectrum over on 203 was the perfect male Coming of Age pic, High Fidelity. Yes, I talk about this movie as much as I talk about The National (hey, how'd they work their way in here?), but flip to it and there is no way you flip away. Unfortunately for Hollywood, the haven't been able to re-create this male version of Chick-Lit (Dick-Lit?) and as much as Braff wants to be Cusack, he will never be him. But listening to Rob obsess about his ex-girlfriend having sex with another man ("I didn't like Ian much then and I fuckin' hate him now!") and dump all over himself is both hilarious and cathartic. Forever a classic and one that will never be repeated. Unless Hollywood would just take on my manuscript of course...

Speaking of cathartic, The Break-Up came along at a time in my life where I was at a... Crossroads shall we say? And some scenes in it still ring powerfully true. But this movie most certainly IS NOT A comedy and it should never have been billed as one. Sure, I laughed when Big T (he'll always be Big T) played Madden with Aniston's date, but I certainly wasn't laughing when Big T blew off the concert or listened to his best friend (Mikey!!!) tell him what a disaster he was. Not that I know anything about being a disaster...

Over on HBO was another book that was made into an awesome movie, Little Children. Here's another movie I rarely turn off. I love that the narrator from Frontline shows up almost as much as I love the performance of Jackie Earle Haley. Think this guy walked into the casting call, went to open his mouth and the castting director just waved s/he's hand and said, "Congratulations! You got the part?!?" Has there ever been a dude more ready to play a pedophile? And why does Kate Winslet look so homely in this movie? Was that done on purpose? And if you haven't seen this movie, it ranks about an eight on the miserable meter, with one being Hoosiers and ten being Requiem For A Dream...

Checking in at a nine on the miserable meter is Leaving Las Vegas (how it avoids a ten I really don't know. I just know that it's one point less painful than Requiem). Imagine being a couple out on their first date and you see this? What's the conversation afterwards? Do you risk saying you liked it and potentially scare off your date? Do you make a joke about how
uplifting it was? Or do you turn and say, "Wow. I thought my drinking was bad." There are so many scenes in this movie to make you one cringe and it also has a horrific rape scene. Any chance we could have a moratorium on rape scenes in movies for awhile? Is there anything worse? I'll take a dog death or fingernails being ripped out over the rape scene any day. Unless of course, it's one involving Marsellus Wallace because that paved the way for this line: "Yeah, we cool. Two things: one, don't tell nobody about this. This shit is between me, you, and Mr. soon-to-be-living-the-rest-of-his-short-ass-life-in-agonizing-pain rapist here. It ain't noboby else's business..."

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum checking in at a two on the misery meter is Commando. Like Top Gun, what bad can you say about this movie? Schwarzenegger spends the first half of the film wearing a suddenly super trendy again henley, avoids death by "smelling them coming," disarms a man by simply ripping a gun right from the said dudes hands, breaks someones neck in a crowd of 250 people without anyone noticing, falls hundreds of feet from a plane with nary a rolled ankle, convinces a flight attendant to join him on a whirlwind trek to find his kidnapped daughter, rips out a car seat, beats up all the security guards in the Mall of America, hoists an occupied 2000 pound (I just googled it) phone both over his head and chucks it, smashes into a tree at 70 mph sans seatbelt and lives, holds a man at arms length over a cliff without struggling at all, eats a green beret for breakfast, stealthily robs a gun store by smashing the door down with a bulldozer (not to mention knowing how to drive a bulldozer), wipes out an entire army by firing from the hip for twenty minutes, uses Skil saw blades as throwing stars, all while toting around the perfect body. Then he kills the dad from Clueless, beats up a dude who's wearing an outfit gayer than one you'd see on the Village People, and saves his daughter. Oh yeah, we also get a gratuitous Arnie-In-Speedo shot (are you kidding me with that back Governator?), some of the best unintentionally comedic one liners ("I love listening to your pissant soldiers trying to talk tough"), the same stunt man being killed countless times, a wide selection of guns (perfect for the gun crazy 12 year old that I was), a guy getting electrocuted only to have it invigorate him, and the best tagline in cinematic history. This movie is so laughably bad that it's just... Awesome. I seriously might have a separate post just about the greatness of this film. And you know what? I take back my opening sentence. This is a one on the misery meter. No way Hoosiers makes me more happy than Arnie firing an M-16 with one hand...

And I wrapped up my five hour movie hopping night with one of my all time favorites, Se7en. And listen, it's more than just Brad Pitt. I know I've written about this movie before, but I just can't take its' perfection. It is by far the best thriller ever made and the fact that Silence of the Lambs gets all the accolades frustrates me greatly. My boy Bri one time told me that in sales and marketing, you have to be the first in (And he's right. Is there another low carb beer you know other than Mich Ultra?). Silence was the first in. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's the best because Se7en is way, way better. Both stand the test of time amazingly well (as thrillers often can) and I love this movie because there is no way I would have ever written it (you'll always be my boy Andrew Kevin Walker). It's a relatively simple idea, but one that is done to perfection. It's hilarious in spots (note the glass of wine the uncouth Mills pours for Sommerset), the love story is completely believable, and the end is. unlike anything we have ever seen in the history of movies (yeah, I said that. Debate me on it.). Not to mention the fact that Pitt, Freeman, Paltrow, and Spacey act the shit out of this pick. I understand that not everyone is into film as much as me and when I recommend a film to someone I always ask one question: Is there any way said film could have been done any better? Because we always have some problem with some film (Pulp, one of my favorites, could have cut down the Butch/Cab driver convo and Swingers is looking quite dated, but no less great these days). But Se7en? Absolutely. Perfect

Well, I should get back to work here. I think I have some Yahoo! games to play. Or maybe I should check the listings for films I can flip through tonight while you take care of the children, prepare dinner, or do something far more valuable with your time. But if you have a sec, flip on over to the 200s. They certainly make my $175 a month cable bill worth it.

Wow! A Judge Agrees With Me!

Sometimes, it is really hard to say you disagree with something that is so obviously NOT disagreeable. For instance, how do you say you DON'T like Kevin Garnett? Who doesn't like Kevin Garnett? What's not to like? You might not like that he doesn't play well in big games... Oh wait, he just bitch slapped that argument.

But there are issues even more sensitive than that and there is one in particular that I have always had reservations about expressing my dislike for. And that is the Dateline show To Catch A Predator.

Yes, it has been a while since this show was on the air (thank god), but in case you have forgotten (or just didn't know because you were hopefully not tuning in), the show garnered huge, HUGE ratings. It used to be just a segment, then it became its own show.

And why am I writing about a show that hasn't been on in six months? Because a court ruling yesterday showed me that I wasn't the only person who felt that everything about this show was weird. I hated this show from the beginning and with that court ruling yesterday, I finally have some sense of relief (and pride?) in hating this show.

Because really, what's to hate? This show bags the lowest of the low: Child predators. It takes these internet trolling scumbags who want to buy beer for 13 year olds and embarrasses them in front of millions of people. How could I not like that?

To begin, I've never liked that the show borders on entrapment, which I find to be a despicable (and the constitution and supreme court agree!) tactic. And I've always wondered if we've gotten the full story on each of the so called predators. I guess if they show up at the house with condoms and Captain Morgan and they KNOW the child was underage, then I really have no defense, but I've still always wondered if we had all the "facts."

Another piece of the show I loathe is Chris Hansen. He always seems so righteous and more creepily GLEEFUL to be busting these predators. Maybe he should be and I should be too, but it's his glee that creeps me out. When I catch a student cheating or doing something wrong, I don't take pleasure in busting him. I really don't. No one wants to see that happen. It's like when you find out your uncle is a raging alcoholic. You wish you never knew it and you certainly aren't happy that he is. And Chris Hansen always seemed absolutley THRILLED to be busting these predators and that completely weirded me out.

And what about the people who run the sting, Perverted Justice (to the surprise of many, law enforcement had nothing to do with the show and in fact, had many issues with it)? These people commit their lives to "putting away scumbag predators." But why? Are they really that concerned about the welfare of our nation's children? Do they really hate these predators? Or is there something else going on? Might they be atoning for their own sins? Whomever they are and whatever their reasons, I find these zealots weird.

But mostly what freaked me out about this show were the incredibly high ratings.

Who was watching this show? Did the viewers want to see these scumbags taken down because they saw it as the worst of the worst crimes? Was it our voyeuristic culture that wants to see into everyones lives? Or was it something deeper? Did people WANT to see bad things happen to others because we are all so goddamn miserable ourselves? Or are we as a culture intrigued by sexual predators? Do we want to know what makes them tick maybe because we all have some weird sexual desires ourselves?

All I know is I watched the show once and I didn't like the feeling it gave me. It's not that I felt badly for any of these predators. I mean, I'm a pretty weird dude (seen that Star Wars shelf? The man crush on Becks, Brad, and Georgie?) whose visited plenty of weird web sites, but dating/relationship chat rooms I haven't dabbled in. So feel badly for these guys, I do not. But the show just never gave me any pleasure or entertainment. I like to watch the train wreck as much as the next guy, but this show always felt... Different. And yesterday, a ruling by a federal judge supported my feelings.

Back in February, a judge ordered a stop to the show saying that it drifted away from responsible journalism and into irresponsible law enforcement. The judge blasted the show and it was stopped directly after that. He also cited some studies and evidence that showed up in Rolling Stone.

The Rolling Stone story said that only 1152 people were arrested in 2006 in chat room related sex offenses and that there are so few people who troll the internet looking for these relationships. It said that the show- which has a college girl posing as a sexed up 13 year old- might actually INCREASE the number of arrestes because the "victim" traps these offenders who normally wouldn't be looking for such a thing. The article also went on to say that over 95% of the offenders from To Catch A Predator not only didn't have previous arrests as sex offenders, but had NO PREVIOUS ARRESTS AT ALL. Lastly, the judge said that the show takes away from the real offenders in child molestation cases- realtives and friends.

So anyways, it was with a bit of happiness that I read that a judge completely ripped this show and awarded the family of one of the offenders caught on the show a huge sum of money after said offender killed himself.

But mostly I felt good because my silent hatred and skepticism of and for this show was justified. We know I'm wrong so very often, but it appears my feelings were correct here. And my feelings were justified by a federal judge; someone far more knowledgeable than the really creepy people who gave this show its' ridiculous ratings.

I Really Wish I Had This Mastered

Have you ever read, watched, seen, or experience something that was likely meant to be silly, trifling, or inane, yet ended up being really insightful?

A while back, a friend from work sent me this hilarious article from Esquire titled The 75 Skills Every Man Should Master. I have long stated that writing for Esquire would be a dream job (along with shooting guard for The Celtics, lead singer of a band, and the role of Rob in the remake of High Fidelity) and this article is proof of why I love this magazine so much. Before you continue reading, check out the list (which is way funnier then what I will write after it).

http://www.esquire.com/features/essential-skills-0508

By my count, I have a measley 35 (on a good day) mastered for sure. And my brother- who frequently calls me liar Gerard- and others will probably attest that I have these 35 mastered. I think my track record shows that I can iron a shirt, buy a suit, make one drink in large batches very well (Caipirhinas), say no, make a playlist of random songs that mean something, and be brand loyal (Skippy is the ONLY peanut butter for me!).

Then, you also have to go on my word (but shouldn't be surprised to know), that I can score a baseball game, tell a woman's dress size (I have a shockingly keen awareness of this, for better or worse), I know that Columbus was a son of a bitch, can throw a baseball with some snap, cook bacon, write a thank you note (in a past life, I had to write about 100 of these), sew a button, know what cards to split in blackjack, make a bed (I only don't do this because I'm lazy), sew a button, and I can cook meat someplace other than a grill (cast iron boys, it's all about the cast iron).

Then, there are those things that I REALLY DO KNOW and that you are probably shocked that I actually know. I can change a flat, jump a car, and change the oil by myself (driving shitboxes helped me with all this). I can cast a fishing rod (Thanks Dad!), argue with a European (thanks again Steve- The only European I know!), not dominate a conversation (I swear I can! I've learned in my old age), and feign interest (just think of all those times I seemed interest people. Yet really, I was just waiting to talk). I've installed both an electric thermostat and a light fixture (really, it's just about cutting the power and matching the color coded wires men), asked for help (you've seen me do it! Haven't you?), avoid boredom (I never use the word bored. Ever.), hold a baby (haven't dropped one yet), and I know what a light year is (Star Wars helped).

There are the things on the list that I don't know and don't care to know like how to take a photograph, explain quantum physics, know some birds (they are creepy with their feathers and beaks), give advice that matters in one sentence, drive an eightpenny nail through a two by four, chop down a tree, throw a punch (unless those two kids from Funny Games hold me and my family hostage. But I'd probably just gouge out their eyes with my thumbs, The Descent style), play gin with an old guy, describe wine in one sentence (that's stuff white people like), find my way out of the woods (I don't go in the woods), or stock a car emergency bag.

And then there are the last two categories: Stuff on the list I really HOPE I know but have no idea if I know, and stuff I really wish I knew.

I wish I could consistently hit a 12 footer in hoops (I can't consistently do anything in hoops, other than turn the ball over), tie a bow tie (it pains me that I cannot), tell if someone is lying (you'd think a liar would know this), swim three different strokes (I can do this, just not as well as I'd like), speak a foreign language (my number one wish probably), hit a jump shot in pool (I suck at pool), dress a wound (never know what skills I might need when the apocalypse happens), make three different bets at the craps table, shuffle cards, recite a poem from memory, break another mans grip on my wrists, build a campfire (in case I'm in the woods), point north at anytime (this just seems like a cool skill and one that would make me seem more of a renassaince man), tie a knot, shake a hand (my hands are too small and so I'm always messing up the grip and getting dominated by better grips), and negotiate a better price (even street vendors in Chinatown fleece me).

And then there are the ones that I have no idea if I do know, but I really hope I do know.

Like can I name a book that matters? I was happy to see the author said that The Cathcer In the Rye doesn't, because it is overrated in my opinion. And do I know a ton about one particular musical act? I think I know a lot about a lot, but I am not a Zen Master of anyone (not even The National), and the one band I do know the most about hasn't released an album since The Spaghetti Incident.

Then, there are numbers 19 and 21. I won't say what they are here. Go look them up. But seeing as where I'm an ass clown, probably everyone I approach/have approached/have been with/ has been a few notches above me. And as for number 21? Well, since I've never even PARTICIPATED in that act, I wouldn't know.

And I hope I'm loyal. I really do because the stuff and the people that I like, I REALLY like, so I hope that my loyalty comes off. Besides, they have chosen to be friends with my minger ass, so they deserve something, no?

I hope I can play Go Fish with/speak to an eight year old. The last thing I want to be is that guy who is "not good with kids." I hope my niece or nephew or friends' sons or daughters would say they liked me. And I certainly hope that my own son or daughter (God Bless that mom) would like very much to play Go Fish with me.

It would be nice to think that I can tell a good joke/funny story. I don't want to be that guy in the science department whose stories nobody can tolerate. And it would be good to think that I can fry an egg well. I'm not sure why that's important to me, it just is.

And while I've never been much of a fighter, I hope I can sometimes kick some ass, whether it be verbally or in terms of getting something done. I ceratinly hope I kicked ass in Rock Band and didn't let my team down.

I also hope I have the reputation for taking the job no one else wants. While I try not to showcase this, I do take solace in the fact that people look to me when something difficult needs to be done. It's weirdly complimetary.

I had to deliver a eulogy once. I still hope to this day that it was acceptable.

And it would be good to know if I could caress a womans neck. Again, this is weirdly important to me. I especially want to know if that random woman at The Burren the other night liked when I uninvitedly caressed her neck...

I also hope I show respect without being a suck up. I like people to know that I respect them because I often seem that I respect no one, but really I do. I respect so many people. In particular, I respect those that are reading this drivel as we speak.

I really had a great time with this list and- like Stuff White People Like- it got me to thinking so much about myself.

It also got me to think about other skills we should all master. I think that a man should have at least one "go to" meal to prepare. I also think a man should know how to play cribbage (it's amazing how often the opportunity comes up to play that), hail a cab, and name a great acting performance other than one put in by Pacino, De Niro, Penn, Day-Lewis, or Nicholson.

Mostly though, this list got me to think about whether or not I am a good "man" and what it is that makes a good "man." I frequently lament the use of the phrase "he's such a nice guy," because really, what does that mean? But that's another post for another time.

Although this list was most certainly done tongue in cheek, but if taken for something more, it really can be a great tool for evaluating oneself. And evaluate myself I did.

And you know what? It made me thankful. Thankful that, despite scoring an approximate 360 on The Am I A Good Man? portion of the SATs, I have great people in every aspect of my life.

So thanks Esquire. I may not write for you, but while reading and over-analyzing this list, you've sure made me realize how lucky, happy, and thankful I really am.

I've Gone And Flip-Flopped Again

Hate Shaq, love Shaq.

Love football, hate football.

Hate George Clooney, make him my idol.

I'm not sure why I do this so frequently, but this weekend I did have a conversation where I think I finally figured out why I flip flop so much: Because it's fun.

The conversation that made me realize this was one about Led Zeppelin. I told someone who I had met only a few times that Led Zeppelin sucks. The person I was with said I shouldn't do that because obviously Led Zeppelin doesn't suck (later, I would say that yes, indeed, I truly believe that Led Zeppelin does suck and I have lots of information to support that statement the primary of which is that not a band that is good today was influenced by these chuckahs and they also wrote "Stairway To Heaven") and that I should say something like, "Yes, Led Zeppelin is in fact a good band, but because I do not like a number of their songs and the fact that they aren't really relevant anymore makes me not like the. However, I do respect your thoughts and opinions on the value of Led Zeppelin and I appreciate why you like them so much."

But that's diplomatic and really, really, REALLY boring.

In fact, it's just no fun.

It's way more fun to say simply, "Led Zeppelin sucks."

So with this knowledge in hand, I realized why I flip flop so much. Because as I said in a previous post, I am ambiguous about virtually nothing. Part of that is done purposefully and part of that is because I usually do feel strongly one way or another. That said, I do reserve the right to change my mind.

And I've changed my mind on Coldplay and Chris Martin.

I iked Coldplay when "Yellow" was first released and I loved "Clocks" and of course, "Fix You." But for a long time, I've hated this band. Mostly for the same reasons that everyone else hates them: They seem pretentious, self indulgent, self important, cheesey, whiny, and completely overrated. I also used to get mad that they had some sort of weird credibility and that people whose opinions I trusted greatly (Waidehi and Steve) liked these whiny bitches.

But I saved most of my ire for Chris Martin who I found to be a complete poseur. It never helped him that he thought he was a rock star, did rock star things like try to save Africa, and I even hated him for marrying Gwyneth Paltrow, who seemed his female equivalent in terms of self importance. In fact, the crowning moment of my life may have been when there was the "Wanna know how I know you're gay... Because you like Coldplay" joke in The 40 Year Old Virgin.

But then a couple of things started to happen.

First, there was "Fix You." I always defended it, but with the caveat of, "It's a great song... For Coldplay (and as I've stated time and again, watch the video and enjoy those chills when the crowd sings along)."

Then there was the fact that nearly everyone hated Coldplay, especially indie rock snobs, of which I have a love/hate relationship with. And since I learned long ago from my non-conformist parents, it is no fun to do what everyone else is doing.

So a few weeks ago, I decided that I might want to have some backlash against the backlash, sort of like being a nonconformist in the nonconformist crowd.

Concern for my Love Coldplay Plan (LCP) was raised when I heard the very first single, "Violet Hill." I wasn't overly impressed. But I still decided to make enact LCP, even if there much anticipated album did suck. And then I caught a huge break: The Apple commercial featuring "Viva La Vida."

This song is on the fast track to being the most overplayed song of the summer. I don't care because it is also on the fast track to being the best song of the year. If this song doesn't having you driving 100 mph down the highway this summer, then music just doesn't move you. And if you aren't at least tapping your foot or whistling the chorus then not only does music not move you, but you pretty much suck because this song is off the charts.

I then couldn't wait to purchase the album and when I finally did last week, I was blown away. Not only is there "Viva La Vida," but there is also ridiculous "Strawberry Spring," the opening instrumental "Life In Technicolor," the dynamic "42," and the arena shaking (and the sure to be pre-encore closing song on the upcoming tour) "Death and All His Friends," and you have one of the years best albums. And oh yeah, the critics are with me on this one.

So my LCP was looking good but to be taken to the next level, something else was going to have to happen. And it did. Coldplay- and in particular, Chris Martin- starting doing interviews. And after reading/seeing these interviews I found something out. I love Chris Martin.

Given my ridiculous flip-flop nature, this should really come as a surprise to no one. But for those of you who haven't read any, you should know that he is the man. There is now a seat open to him at my table of dudes who are the men (Clooney, Pitt, Beckham, Beringer).

As it turns out, Chris Martin is funny, thoughtful, self aware, and he has an amazing knack to get the interviewers to like him. In fact, many interviewers say that he is the exact opposite of what one would expect him to be as he is self deprecating and thinks he is the least important person on Earth. In one interview, he claims that the record company should sell t-shirts that say "I Hate Coldplay" and pretend they are an independent group of Coldplay haters. He suggests that the company should set up tables outside of the show and they'd make millions. He's probably correct.

Chris goes on further to understand and appreciate the hatred of his band. He feels there last album relied on too much of the same and he also recognizes that they were in danger of being a one trick pony. He makes jokes about how he never got laid, even though he was supposed to be a rock star. He recognizes that his support of the Make Trade Fair initiative seems pretentious and God-Like, but he explains (very well by the way) why he does support it. Lastly, he knows his fan base is largely women and he even recognizes the The 40 Year Old Virgin joke as hilarious.

Chris Martin's public persona has done nothing to help him. His kid's name is Apple, he beats up the paprazzi, and he tries way too hard to be Bono. But he understands ALL of this and that's what makes him so likable. So give the guy a chance. Buy the new album, check out the performance at the MTV Movie Awards on youtube and read the interviews. Because there's a pretty good chance you'll like him. A lot.

And if all that still doesn't convince you, just listen to the words of "Fix You."

He wrote those. You didn't.

One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Bullet To The Head

Because I am too lazy/forgetful to move a CD from my house and into my car, I have been spending a great deal of time listening to the radio while driving.

People dump on the radio a good deal and that is understandable. There are so many commercials and the same songs tend to get played over and over. And I think that morning shows have stopped playing music. I'm not sure who exactly has decided this is a good idea, but the morning show format seems to have officially punted music.

So with all of this time spent listening to radio, I have come to realize that listening to the radio in the car is like being a fledgling celebrity on the dating scene. You are always looking for something better.

Now, of course there are songs that I will ALWAYS keep on the radio. Any of my indie stuff white people like bands will stay. As will Alt Rock staples like "Alive", "Everlong", "Smells Like Teen Spirit", "Spoonman", and "What's The Story Morning Glory". My 80s alternative music like The Cure, Depeche Mode, Midnight Oil, and U2 stays. Cheesey stuff from the 90s remains on too, like Sponge, Better Than Ezra, The Goo Goo Dolls, and Everclear.

Then there is the stuff that will ALWAYS go like The Doors, Pink Floyd (I ask again: Name a band they influenced), Lynard Skynard, The Who, and The Eagles.

But what are the songs that you will change the INSTANT you hear them? What songs- not of those bands that you universally hate- will you switch because you just can't stand them?

So naturally, I thought it would be a good idea to compile a list of songs that I revile. A list of songs that I will turn immediately. But I did have some rules.

They cannot be genres that I would never listen to, like country. Obviously, that is getting switched. And I tried to stay away from entire BANDS that I would switch off like Sublime (honestly people, I just don't know what it is to like about this band. Why are they on the radio so much? Why are people shocked when I hate them? I mean, they randomly sing in Spanish? Why am I treated like an idiot when I say I loathe this band? What is to like? The same songs we've heard 51,000 times or their "new stuff," which doesn't exist because the lead singer is DEAD?!?), Red Hot Chili Peppers, Linkin Park, Good Charlotte, or Nickelback. And since I'm not even putting on a classic rock channel, I won't waste anytime listing classic rock songs, because I'm changing them all (note: some classic rock bands are so terribly bad that I had to include them on the list, like #s 2 and 15). Anyways, here's twenty-three (in honor of Beckham) must switches:

23. "Whole Lotta Love"- Led Zeppelin: Whoops, guess I lied two sentences ago. This song is so bad that it has to be on the list. I actually just heard it and there is a three minute interlude in the middle of the song where either whales are talking or someone is playing guitar. It is unlistenable and I don't understand who can like this song. If this song were made today, no way does it get a record contract, let alone airplay. Yes, music has changed. For the better people, for the better.

22. "Roxeanne"- The Police: These guys wrote "So Lonely", "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic", and "Don't Stand So Close To Me". Yet there most well known song is probably this piece of shit. I hit the preset channel button to change this song as soon as I hear, "Ro....."

21. "Sober"- Tool: I'm just not angry enough for this song anymore. And even when I was, I still didn't like it that much. I always tried to MAKE myself like it to give myself some musical credibility, but I just couldn't listen to it. Speaking of making myself like bands, I tried making myself like...

20. "She Talks To Angels"- The Black Crowes: ...But I guess I'll never get this band. I tell people I don't like The Black Crowes and they look at me like I have ten heads. Apparently, if you know anything about music you HAVE to like The Balck Crowes. I don't and I especially hate this song. And "Hard To Handle" is 20 and a half on the list.

19. "Ziggy Stardust"- David Bowie: I'm supposed to like this guy because he's like the grandfather of alt rock, but boy do I hate this song. Plus, it has the word Ziggy in it and that just makes me think of that really stupid comic strip which was never very funny.

18. "Black Velvet"- Alannah Myles: I like the drink, but not this song. In fact, why do I still hear it on the radio? Are surveys and test audiences responding well to this song? Because do any of you know anyone who really, REALLY wants to hear her shreik this awful tune?

17. "The Joker"- Steve Miller: Two (completely, utterly ridiculous, pathetically, comical, horrifically awful) words- WAH-WAW! Or whatever the hell he says.

16. "Losing My Religion"- REM: I mean, these are my boys! True indie rockers that paved the way for half the stuff I love today. But I hear, "That's me in the corner... That's me in the... Spot... Light..." And I am Losing My MIND! The horrific video where Michael Stipe danced like he was Nic Cage having alcohol withdrawal convulsions in Leaving Las Vegas certainly hasn't helped matters either.

15. "It's Still Rock And Roll To Me/Piano Man/Uptown Girl/Big Shot"- Billy Joel: I mean yeah, sure, I hate this guy. But I'll keep "River of Dreams" and "We Didn't Start The Fire" (Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray, South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio) on the radio, but these four? Please. And how the hell does he sell out The TD Banknorth Garden? Are people really that hard up for a good time? Do they know that little music? God, What a tool.

14. "Holiday In Cambodia"- Dead Kennedy's: Yes they are on FNX. Yes they are on my iPod. Yes I should like them to give myself punk/alt credibility. But what is up with that Pol Pot chanting in the middle of the song? No stories of seeing them at CBGB and no puff pieces in Spin, Rolling Stone, and Pitchfork can make me like that vexing chant.

13. "Bad To The Bone"- George Thorogood: My only hope here is that this song is now officially a parody or joke of some kind. It can only show up in clip/montage scenes of Beauty and the Geek when a geek does something tough, right? I mean it can't possibly be used for anyones entertainment, no? Or taken seriously in any way, shape, or form? I did see that Georgie is playing the Bank of America Pavillion on August 17th. Does anyone want to come with me to check out the people at this show? Do I share DNA with them? Or do I have more in common with a Puma? How many tickets could possibly be sold for this show? Nine? Twenty-six? Because if it's thousands, then the US Government should just napalm the Pavillion that night in order to punish those ticket buyers for their stupidity.

12. "The Walk of Life"- Dire Straits: I hear that keyboard riff in my nightmares.

11. "Run Around"- Blues Traveler: I could have come up with any number of tunes by these guys, yet at the same time, I don't unequivocally hate them because I still like "Optimistic Thought". But this song just makes me think of dirty, Birkenstock wearing, freaks from UMass (I have no problem with earthy crunchy people now folks. It's just I hate so much anger then. Plus, I was a Masshole.) bee-bopping along to that fat guy wailing on his harmonica. As I have aged into the mature middle aged man I currently am, my rage for these people has waned. I hate this song less now, but I still have to put it there for nostalgia reasons. Plus, those same freaks probably all have more put together lives than I do, so in the end, I still kinda hate those hemp necklace wearing freaks.

10. "Sledgehammer"- Peter Gabriel: I love you Peter, I really do. I mostly love you because Lloyd Dobbler loved you so much (didn't his arms get tired though?), but I do keep "Solsbury Hill" on the radio and I love that song with Kate Bush. Plus, you are British and were once part of Genesis (who shockingly doesn't show up on this list). But c'mon man? Sledgehammer? An by the way Pete, "Big Time" and "Shock The Monkey" don't get a listen when they turn up either.

9. "Lightning Crashes"- Live: Could be any Live song on here, but this one holds a special place in my hating heart. I probably did like it at one time, but now, it bothers me so much. Can't wait to hear this played over the car crash/death of a loved one scene in an upcoming One Tree Hill episode.

8. "Superstitious"- Stevie Wonder: This hurts Stevie. I love you and I particularly love when I hear the line, "I believe when I fall in love with you, it will be forever," but you're right Stevie. The writing is on the wall. And it says this one stinks.

7. "Jane Says"- Jane's Addiction: Gerard says... This song is the worst...Why is Perry Farrell such a loser? Why does Dave Navarro get all those hot girls? Why would anyone put a Janes Addiction CD in their CD player when they can put any number of newer and better acts in the same player? Why are they on the radio so much?

6. "Aqualung"- Jethro Tull: Quick! Go to iTunes. Download this song. Listen to it... Closely... Get your ear right close to the speakers... Dissect the lyrics... Take in the prog rockiness of it... Feel the flute... Now try defending it.

5. "Girls"- Beastie Boys: Along with Janes Addiction and The Red Hot Chili Peppers, these old, white, Jewish, outdated, completely irrelevant dudes are the most overplayed band on the radio. They are EVERYWHERE and it doesn't get worse than this song. I understand that at one point in time, they were influential and groundbreaking, but so was the movie Metropolis. And because we have progressed as a society, that movie is unwatchable, just as the Beastie Boys are unlistenable.

4. "Cheeseburger In Paradise"- Jimmy Buffet: If everyone present at a Jimmy Buffet concert were to simultaneously spontaneously combust, would the world be a better place or a worse place?

3. "Barracuda"- Heart: When someone asks me why I don't like a specific song, I usually try to explain it. Often times however, I have a difficult time explaining it because I'm just not musically savvy enough to perfectly explain my dislike of a song. So when I have exhausted all arguments as to why a particular song sucks, I say this: When the instruments, coupled with the singers voice, come out of the speakers and hit my auditory organs, I have a fond displeasure of the sounds created. And that's the way I feel about "Barracuda". Don't hate Heart. Love that "Magic Man" shows up in Swingers. But boy do I hate "Barracuda".

2. Anything That I Am Unfortunate Enough To Hear For Even A Millisecond From This Horrific Band- Rush: If I were a Music Superhero (Captain Good Tune maybe?) and my job were to fly around the world insuring that people have the opportunity to hear and be introduced to good NEW (read that again: NEW!!!) music, Rush would be my archenemy. My nemesis. They would be my Joker, my Green Goblin, my Two Face, my Lex Luther, my Dr. Evil, my Darth Vader. They are simply the worst and I am exhausted by the people who call them "great musicians." Someone tell me why Neil Pert is the best drummer? What does he do differently than Dave Grohl? Is he really THAT much better than Bryce Dessner, my boy from The National? Is what he creates really better than The Killers drummer wailing on the Joy Division cover of Shadowplay? What is it that Neil does that has people creaming in their pants? And who actually "knows" he's the best? I love when people say, "my brother plays the drums and he says Neil Pert is the best ever." Well, I write- at about the same level that your brother plays the drums- and I say Sue Grafton is the best writer. And Nicholas Sparks. It's proposterous, inane, ridiculous, banal, and downright idiotic to continue to call Rush a good band. They are not. Their songs are too long, they are COMPLETELY irrelevant in the grand scheme of musical histroy, and Geddy Lee has the worst voice. Ever. And in case you haven't heard, voice is part of a band. They suck, suck, suck. Suck. Suck. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUCK.

And here's my number one most frequently changed song...

1. "Man In The Box"- Alice In Chains: It could be argued that Alice In Chains, along with Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and Soundgarden are THE most influential bands in music. Today's bands have far more in common with this quartet than The Who, Led Zeppelin, The Doors, or The Rolling Stones. Yes, I understand those four "old" bands set the ORIGINAL bar, but newer acts are rarely influenced by those geriatrics. And so I should love Alice In Chains. I also grew up right smack dab in the middle of the musical revolution that they helped pave. I should idolize them and rhapsodize how important they were to musical history. And then they were part of my youth, my formative years. They should have played a part in my flannel filled rage years. But they didn't. Because they were never good. I tried to like them, but I couldn't. They were too noisy, too angry, and too... Droning. And because I am oh so consistent (you are supposed to be laughing now), I must spread my hate equitably for terrible voices. And Layne Staley- rest his soul- has a voice that rivals only Geddy Lee's in terribleness. Couple that with the too depressing guitar, horrific groaning, and the seemingly unending length of the song, and you have the worst song ever.

There it is. Discuss.