... I feel like I need to expound on the things I hate portion of my last post. Really, that was only meant as a little throw away paragraph, but people seemed to take to it (unfortunately, many people were afraid to comment because they actually seemed ANGRIER than I was and didn't want to rock the boat) and really enjoy it. And since I am here to please my four loyal readers, I'll give you more things that annoy me. Couple that with the fact that it's been the longest week of my life, the school year REALLY needs to wrap up, and my back pain, I've been just a little irritated. And when I am irritated, I tend to hate. A lot. So, here are 107 things I am hating right now...
1. The phrase, "did me a solid."
2. Mark Teixera
3. Bands with stupid names
4. The never ending month of May
5. My ever receding hairline
6. The book Eat Pray Love
7. The yet unreleased movie, Eat Pray Love starring Julia Roberts.
8. Julia Roberts.
9. The Porter Square Shaws prices
10. People who don't know how to drive in the rain
11. Young teachers
12. People who said the Celtics suck (sorry, bandwagon full)
13. People who said the Patriots had a good draft
14. The new MGMT CD
15. People who actually like the new MGMT.
16. Phil Mickelson
17. People who actually like Phil Mickelson
18. Dunkin Donuts (that's not likely to change)
19. The fact that Ethan Hawke isn't in more good movies
20. Burning the roof of my mouth 21. Justin Bieber's haircut
22. The Family Guy "bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word" skit
23. Mark Wahlberg in The Happening
24. Zoey Deschanel in The Happening
25. The Happening
26. Shitty cheeseburgers
27. Lierberman's trade offers
28. Big aereolas
29. FNX playing continuing to play tons of 90s rock
30. FNX not playing The National
31. The local news reporting a house fire in Fall River
32. The local news showing a car chase in Oklahoma
33. The local news scaring people with health reports
34. The local news
35. Shitty fuckin crossowrd clues
36. My Yahoo! League Fantasy Baseball Team 37. Chapped nipples
38. Girls who are not wearing skinny jeans
39. Guys who are not wearing skinny jeans
40. Guys and girls who make fun of my skinny jeans
41. When Entertainment Weekly sucks
42. Jacoby Ellsbury's rib
43. Cleaning my blender
44. Waking Up
45. That "Fireflies" song
46. Budweiser commercials
47. Budweiser
48. People who like Budweiser
49. The broken treadmills at Bally's
50. The tiny locker room at the Woburn BSC
51. The ridiculous conversation I heard in the Woburn BSC
52. Woburn
53. Russell from Survivor
54. The fact I haven't sent in my application for Survivor
55. This zit on my cheek
56. My slow work computer
57. All the clothes in GQ that are ridiculously expensive
58. Having soup for dinner 59. Transformers 2
60. Wheat Beer
61. Seeing that lady who got attacked by the chimp on The Today Show
62. The Today Show
63. People who like The Today Show
64. Felger hating the NBA
65. When Felger hating the NBA gets me so mad I have to call 98.5
66. Calling 98.5 and having Felger call me a pink hat
67. The two day hangovers I now get
68. The fact that my PS3 isn't working right
69. Getting killed by my brother in darts
70. Getting up for morning hoops
71. Missing layups in morning hoops
72. Sucking in morning hoops
73. Jack Edwards
74. People who hate Theo
75. Missing The National in Brooklyn last weekend
76. Not being in The National
77. Not being friends with The National
78. The word closure
79. How quickly bread goes stale
80. People who didn't like Up In The Air
81. Talking about illegal immigrants
82. People on bikes (yup, still hate them)
83. Stained ties
84. Michael Scott's ties
85. Hearing "Hotel California" in spin class
86. Undercooked pizza
87. Ed Hardy
88. MTV Shows
89. ATM Fees 90. Watching people do box jumps
91. Watching Personal Trainers watch people do box jumps
92. Box jumps
93. Personal Trainers
94. Personal Trainers doing box jumps
95. Ill fitting suits
96. Mustard
97. Filling the Brita
98. People sharing iPod earbuds
99. Buying and then eating a candy bar and then wishing you had chosen a different one to buy and eat
100. How cold Massachuseets beach water is
101. Trying to learn slope
102. The space bewteen my teeth
103. Missing my online shopping deliveries and then having to go to the thunderdomey Somerville UPS place to pick them up
There's only one thing that could bring me out of semi-retirement.
And that's The National.
After three years, The World's Greatest Band is finally releasing a new album today. It is obviously awesome. More importantly though, it just makes me really happy because I've been looking forward to this album since they announced it's release three months ago.
And I've come to realize that looking forward to stuff is really all I've got at the ripe old age of 36. Since every Sunday at 11 to every Friday at 2:30 is essentially Groundhog Day where I wake up every morning either- A) Coming up with three good reasons why I shouldn't call in sick or B) Wishing away the next 24 hours, thus making myself a day older- having something to get me through the week is essential.
These Groundhog Days get particualrly gruesome in the winter months as we all know and so I've found the only way to get through these months is to have something to look forward to. In January, I could look forward to my birthday (and receiving gifts), the end of football, and February Vacation. In February, I could look forward to concerts (March is a strangley good concert month), my March Madness trip with the UMassholes, and the Guiness Cupcakes my sister makes for St. Patricks Day. In March, I got to anticipate the Florence and The Machine show (quite possibly the best show I have seen by a band without the word "national" in it), my baseball draft and of course, April Vacation. And May brought thoughts of warmth, seniors leaving, and of course, the release of High Violet.
It might not seem like much, but really, all we have is the hope of getting us through awful days. I mean, aren't we all really looking forward to a day of waking up too early, ironing, rushing to get to work on time, battling through a work day, going for a sick run at the free of hot girls Woburn BSC, going to night school, driving home, sitting on the couch watching movies I've already seen 12 times for two hours, and then waking up and doing it all over again? I'm not. But who is?
And we can handle this in one of two ways. We can bitch about it or we can deal with it.
The worst kind of people are those that bitch about it. Those that give you a REAL answer when you ask them "hiya doin?" While I understand that I asked, I do not care that you have the sniffles or that your stomach hurts; I do not care that your day was long or that you're tired. I definitely don't care that you have so much to do today and that you're swamped with work. No shit you're all of those things... We all do. So short of your dog dying, your child child having an allergic reaction to a bee sting, your house blowing up from a gas leak, or you not feeling good about your outfit, I don't want to hear about your piddling problems. Wake up, drink a coffee, deal with Tuesday, shut the fuck up, and repine for the weekend.
Now, enough of my acerbic attitude (I'm not feeling good about this zit on my cheek, which is also an acceptable reason for complaining) because I came here to help you, not to hurt you. How did I come here help you? Well, by telling you the stuff you can look forward to in the coming months. Yes, I know it is a cold Tuesday in May and we still have PLENTY of work days left before summer is here (May is an underrated month in its suckiness... 31 days... One day off... No holidays to get presents... Never as warm as you want it... Not many good films are released... Summer is not quite here...), but rather than bitching about how your shoulder hurts or how cold it is, try looking forward to a few things. Like these...
13. The National at The House of Blues on June 2nd and 3rd: You really expected this list to start with something else?
12. Summer Books: Because I am a white person who likes plenty of stuff that white people like, I should probably say how my summer reading list includes boning up on my extistentialism with Nietzsche or rereading The Dubliners again, but that will not be the case. I will instead be reading another Emily Giffin book and plowing through part II of The Strain hoping that that team of ragtag New Yorkers can stop the vampires from taking over the world. You should be looking forward to doing the same.
11. Seeing A Movie You Had No Idea You Would Like That Much: Being the movie snob that I am, I way prefer Oscar season, but there is something to be said for walking into a movie house (so you can feel like you are doing something other than drinking) on a Wednesday and seeing an unbelievably entertaining movie like The Hangover or Inside Man or Signs. While I already know Predators will disappoint me and Harry Potter will be acceptably good, I do know there is a movie out there that will jump up and slap me in the face with excitement. While I don't know what it is, not knowing is the exciting part.
10. Open Tables At Restaurants: With students gone on and suburbanites headed to Falmouth and Salisbury, the summer is an awesome time to walk into a restaurant on a whim that you have been dying to try. Even if it is slightly crowded, you can stand by the open windows and have a glass of sangria and wait because it's the summer and waiting is just fine. Or worse case, you can just walk to the restaurant next door because it's so damn nice.
9. Tanned Girls In Dresses: Now, I know it may seem this particular pleasantry may ONLY be enjoyed by half of the population but really ladies, tell me you are not happier when you are slightly tanned?!? And unless you have cankles, putting away those big sweaters and boots for a few months has to be pretty good, right? As for the males, never in my life have I seen dresses more awesome than they currently are right now, which leads me to this momentary lament: If you went to college between the years of 1992-1996 like I did, you went to college during the absolute worst female fashion era in the history of mankind. This four years was like a Fashion Great Depression. I watch videos on Barstool Sports every night and see girls in spandex dresses that make denim shorts seem as long wedding gowns. In 1995, we males had huge flannels flowing over tapered cords and a pair of Doc Martens to look at. Thanks Kurt Cobain.
8. Sitting In The Monster Seats: It's literally been 15 years since the Red Sox REALLY sucked and with the Pink Hatification of the Red Sox, almost an entire generation has grown up with the Sox being awesome. Few remember the days of All Star Scott Cooper, Steve Avery as the staff ace, getting no hit by Mariners pitchers, and Shrek Headed Ivan Calderon. In those days, you could get two tickets for $5 (I really did in 1992) and move down to the box seats. And while that has gone, if the Red Sox continue laying the turd bomb they are currently laying, I'll be there! With you Thornton! Sam Summers all around... Speaking of Sam Summers...
7. Outdoor Drinking: C'Mon now, is there anything better? Finding the good spots can be hard, but Daedalus is a start as is Ironsides in Chralestown. But whereever you choose, what is better than a beer outside at 7:30 on a warm summer night? Speaking of beers outside...
6. Session Beers: So I've been going to Marshfield with my sister and her husband for quite a few years now and before that, I went to the same house with my friend Brian. Could be the best week of the year. Every year, we have memorable lines that come back from the cottage, such as The Clarett Jug, Penis Butter, and Anne Frank making lobster rolls. Anyways, the early clubhouse leader is session beers, which was taught to me by a British Allagash Beer Saleswoman on the night of a beer dinner. Session beers are just beers you can rip open and drink all day and night. Think Miller Lite, Pabst, or summer's favorite session beer, Corona Light. I can't wait to waste a summer day with 29 session beers, be it one of the three days I play golf or on my back porch while I grill a steak. I also look forward to cleaning the vomit off of myself.
5. Summer In NYC With The National: Wait, who are The National?!? Anyways, it's been two consecutive summers that I've enjoyed a fine NYC evening outdoors with The National. July 27th will make it three. You should go.
4. The Day That Just Comes Together: Sure, this can happen any night at any time of the year, but it is ALWAYS something to look forward to because there is MORE of an opportunity for it to happen during the summer. Whether it was a random night in August at The Warren Tavern with the UMassholes or an afternoon at some random waterfront bar in some random beach town with Brian and the cougars or a Sunday afternoon with Mike, Georgia, and Marissa inventing the Ranking Game, the summer day that just comes together is always awesome.
3. Shopping Outside: Because Harvard Square is so fun slipping on ice and undoing and redoing my scarf as I run in and out of stores in January.
2. The World Cup: So as many of you know, my opinions change every once in a while. Had I had a blog between the ages of zero and 32, I probably would have had 237 posts raging against soccer. Until I watched the World Cup four summers ago. I ended up catching the final with all the Italian Meatballs in the North End (and being the only guy rooting for Spain) and had the best time ever. While this year likely can't replicate what happened four years ago, I'll give a shot at making it happen.
1. Schools Out: And I can do any of the above, even on a Tuesday night and why? Because a Tuesday in July isn't groundhog day. Thank Christ.
You know, life really is about managing the ups and downs. You get down and frustrated, then you're up and become happy again.
Last week was terrible for me. I got a year older (and I'm beginning to feel REALLY old these days), there was that whole election thing (I relaize now the part that has chafed me the most is the gloating by the Republicans. I heard one pundit call it the greatest day in America this past half decade. Huh?). Then the coils keep dying on my car (VW owners know about the dreaded coils). It's also become clear that George Clooney will NOT win best actor. Instead he will lose to Jeff Bridges playing the music version of Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler (Clooney should just play an autistic, alcoholic, gay, mathematician, who is dying of AIDS which he contracted during the years he had his heroin addiction... That would probably get him the award...). Finally, it also appears that the extremely overrated Avatar (Or, as I like to call it... Titanic II: Blue People Playing Jack And Rose... But don't worry Molly, I didn't hate it enough to blog about it.) is going to win Best Picture over Up In The Air , Inglourious Basterds and The Hurt Locker. Then Brad and Angie split which frankly, didn't even bother me as much as I thought it might because I am now convinced that no famous person should ever, EVER be in a relationship of any sorts. Or maybe that's just me being bitter.
But needless to say, the Big G world has been crumbling (I mean, it's almost as bad as a Detroit auto worker who has lost his job, home, and family, no?).
But then today came.
I should have known today was going to be a good day. For some reason, I was less irritated than I am most Mondays. I was happy with my outfit, enjoyed my Eggo waffle breakfast, and pulled out a victory in my fantasy basketball league. So things were looking up.
Then I hit the internet, and things REALLY came together!!!
First there was this...
I mean, did you just see that? In case you didn't, let me explain what it was.
A COMMERCIAL FOR A STAR WARS LINE OF ADIDAS SNEAKERS AND SWEATSHIRTS!!! WITH ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF THE BIG G KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE IN THE COMMERCIAL!!! WITH A REMIX OF THE IMPERIAL MARCH AS THE MUSIC!!! AND YES, THAT WAS EVEN THE D-O DOUBLE G!!!
Yes. Star Wars. Sneakers. Sweatshirts. Remixes to The Imperial March. Endorsed by David Beckham.
And you know what else? While I was immediately skeptical, some of the stuff is actually pretty awesome. Here's a few of the highlights...
And my personal faves and absolute purchases...
Pretty cool, no? Click this here link to see the whole collection, plus a great video of the Death Star lighting up Hanscomb Air Force Base (they must have been using the Death Star laser on low that day because it didn't blow up the whole planet).
But that can't be the only thing that turned my life around on a rainy Monday in January, can it?
You are correct. It is not.
Today I see a save the date email from my sister and why do I have to save that date?
The National. Boston. House of Blues. June 2nd. New York two weeks later on the 16th.
Suddenly, I forgot about hokey James Cameron scripts and lost chances for a second Clooney Oscar.
Just like Jerry, I'm Even Steven! Bunch of bad things set off by Star Wars, The National, Beckham, shopping and the thoughts of warm June nights, drinks, and mid week sick days.
Who's Jeff Bridges again?
PS- Just in case you forgot who The National are or you just stumbled across this site, here you go...
"I was thinking about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. I stayed up half the night thinking about it and then something occured to me and I fell into a deep peaceful sleep and haven't thought about you since. You know what occurred to me?"
That's what Sean said to Will nearly thirteen years ago after Will disrespected (my favorite high school boy word) Sean's wife and Sean nearly killed him. I can now imagine how Sean felt because that is how I felt last night (actually, I starting feeling this way about a week ago when I realized that Martha Coakley was the political candidate version of Calvin Schiraldi) when Scott Brown beat Martha Coakley and essentially ended the really, long four month run of people liking Barack Obama.
After the news was made official last night, I stayed up the rest of the night tossing and turning and being as tense as I've been since Pedro let up that Posada bloop double in '03 (I tore of my favorite t-shirt like I was the Hulkster... I didn't do that last night).
But then I woke up this morning and like Sean, I realized something. And today hasn't been that bad.
Like Sean realized that Will was just a kid and didn't know anything, I realized that Scott Brown had Doug Flutie, Fred Smerlas, and Curt Schilling stumping for him. And hearing that made me proud.
Why?
Because I am proud to not be associated with a forty-something year old men who have blonde mullets, wear their gold chains outside of their mock neck sweaters, and bring their baseball glove's to Fenway in the hopes of catching foul balls.
Once I realized that the Republicans have to tap racist, suburban, out of touch, millionaire, mustached, has beens to stump for them (my party? Well... We got Clooney... 'Nuff said), my coffee tasted better, I felt a little better about my receding hairline, and I played the best game of old man basketball that I've played all year (9-20, with zero turnovers as opposed to the 5-31 with 11 turnovers that I usually have).
With all that said, I'm still slightly irritated. Not nearly as irritated I was last night when I was threatening to blow up every single person I know with a blog post (I type with purpose), but still irritated. Here's what makes me so irritated about recent events in our filled way more than you think with white trash state...
1. Martha Coakley ran the worst campaign I have witnessed a politician run in my lifetime. She made George McGovern and Mike Dukakis seem as savvy as JFK. She wouldn't have won the condo president of Del Boca Vista with that campaign.
2. Women. I would like to start this off with a 250 word disclaimer about how I really don't feel this way about women and blah blah blah. But I must come clean. Quietly, I places that are sans mixed company, I have had a ongoing and well thought out theory that all women hate each other. While I haven't exactly done New England Journal of Medicine style research on this, I do have a few examples to back up my thoughts.
Take Survivor. On at least ten of the 15 seasons of Survivor, there have been more women than men when there is seven members left. Each and every time, I scream at the TV, "LADIES! TAKE BACK THE GLASS CEILING! GET TOGETHER AND BOUNCE EACH ONE OF THESE GUYS UNTIL IT IS JUST THE 4/5/6 OF YOU REMAINING AND THEN TAKE THE MONEY AND GO!!!" But they can never do this (there was one year it was four v. one with the one guy being the biggest white trash hick around. He made it to the final). Why? Because they hate each other. That's just one example. There are many others, but I'm working to keep my first ever political rant on Three Days Is Kinda Money under 10,000 words. But, let me just give you one more. Having worked in a high school for fourteen years (fuck, I'm old), I have seen countless occassions where a guy screws over/attempts to date two women (this also happens on The Real World and Road Rules all the time as well as on a show called The Bachelor, where not just 2, but 25 women backstab and hate other women for the love of a fat, Christian rock singer named Bob). What do these two high school girls do? They fight each other. Why can't they get together and kick the crap out of the boy? How legendary would this be? it would be bigger than the Pill. These girls would be high school legends forever.But rather than be legends, they want to fight each other. For a kid that wears a tilted, white Polo hat and 13 year out of style carpenter jeans.
And I hear what some of you women are saying. "I love my six girlfriends... We hang out all the time and go on trips and yada yayda yada." Well, when you are on those trips and three of you go to pick up more ice and it is just three of you sitting together, how fast are you talking about one of the three who just left? Before the car starts? Or after the screen door shuts? I'm saying the talking starts the second the last girl has her first flip flopped foot on the front porch. Of course you're quiet in case someone forgot their sunglasses and has to come back in to get them, but you've still started. While you're gossiping though, know the three in the car are talking about you too.
My point? Two girls can't get together and agree that a 17 year old boy is worthless, so how the hell do I expect 2 million registered women to get behind the female candidate? It isn't gonna happen. Maybe ever. And politicians need to start being aware of this. No, it will never be talked about in a public forum, but I'm right. Ladies, I've got to say, the only chance a woman has of winning is if she is running against another woman. There is no way in hell women are putting aside their cattiness to make history. It's just not in your DNA. I wish it were, but it's not and you have to start examining yourselves as to why this can't happen.
3. Mike Capuano. In relation to what I wrote above, he would have killed Scott Brown. It feels like the Dems are ALWAYS fucking up the primaries and they fucked up royally not nominating the man who has some Ted Kennedy in him (even if for no other reason that they shared the same congressional seat).
4. Health Care. I get it. People don't want it. This is not because of the cost as republicans say. It is because it is an Obama idea. I can't get into the ins and outs of it, but there will be no free coverage for illegal or death panels. No one has the facts and they don't want it simply because it is an Obama idea. But how moronic do you people have to be to see that the system is flawed? Do you see what comes out of your paycheck every month for health care? Do you know how much COBRA is? Do you see your co-payment increases? Do you hear what doctors say about insurance and how difficult their jobs have become? The system needs to be fixed. Soon. Stop hating it just to hate it. And don't talk about the cost. Do you see the limited choices? DoDo you know what "tax increases" REALLY cost you (ever notice your check when taxes go up? Your life is completely unaffected. And when taxes go down, trash fees and excise taxes and sales taxes and luxury taxes go up. It's a simple mathematical formulakids. You can't have more going out than coming in. Our taxes will always go up. If you don't like that, protest the Osprey, not health care. Idiots.)? Nothing. Also, don't talk about what "might" happen because you sound stupid. Remember what was "going" to happen six years ago when we allowed gay marriage to happen? People were going to marry cows. What was the reality? it affected your life in no way and as it turned out, gays hated marriage just as much as straight people, so if anything, we got more people to commiserate with. And please. I dare someone to give me the argument of "I don't want the government controlling my health care." I can't WAIT to go OTT on that one.
5. The Obama Backlash. I didn't think this would happen this quickly. I really didn't. Silly me. I've been saying for years that everything from immigration to jobs to health care to the economy to who we love as athletes is about race. So how could I miss this? Republicans DESPERATELY want Obama to fail. As did all the racist republicans (which is redundant... The two words are synonyms). They claim to love this country so much, but they cannot get behind a SINGLE Democratic ideal (here's another reason why I am a Democrat: No matter how much the GOP blasts us for being crazy liberals, we are free thinkers who make up our own minds. The proof: In 2002, 374 members of congress voted FOR the War In Iraq. A mere 156 did not. We know now that there were no WMDs, there were no Sadam/al Qaeda links. But some Democrats so believed in our President, in our cause, and in our nation, that they voted FOR a war that was INVENTED- did they learn this from Wag The Dog?- by a Republican administration. They did not vote strictly along party lines. They did not stubbornly try to embarrass a President because they wanted him to fail. They voted for the War in Iraq because they BELIEVED in it. You mean to tell me- c'mon Olympia Snowe!- that not ONE Republican believes that health care could use some fixing? Please. What a disgraceful, disgraceful party... Again, I'm so happy I'm not a part of it). And I keep hearing my Republican friends ask, "what's he done?" Well, truthfully, not much. But he's been in office 364 days and he is laying a foundation. It's tough to get ANYTHING done when you have the opposition making up complete stories (Palin: Death Panels) to the dumb, scared people of this country to sway their vote. Listen, I get politics and how it works. I do. I get that it gets dirty. I do. But for all the complaining that Republicans do about liberals and how they act and vote, I say shut up. You are the biggest bunch of hypocrites I have ever met. You claim to love this country, yet don't support the President because he's from a different party than you. It's absolutely pathetic. Just pathetic. Back to the "what's he done?"
Jon Stewart handled this beautifully last night. He can't win either way. He says he is going to close Guantanamo and he loses points for that very idea. Then he doesn't, so he loses DOUBLE the points (so Republican, I ask you? Did you want it closed or not? Stop Ordwaying this!). He wins the Nobel Prize- a great honor for him personally and also for the country these Republicans say they love- and he loses points for that. He sends troops to Afghanistan, but loses points for waffling and not sending enough. Is Fox News really THIS powerful or are people really THIS dumb. I'm going with the ladder, but that's just me.
To close this point, let me say what Obama hasn't done...
He hasn't let 3000 American die as two planes crashed into the landmark buildings of the countries most famous city (I really don't think this is Dubya's fault, but this happened on HIS WATCH!!!!! AND HIS APPROVAL RATING SHOT TO 90%!!!!! I get the mood the country was in, but if this happened right now with Obama, the Republicans would burn down The White House in rage that it was all the black guys fault). He hasn't started and then not finished two wars. He hasn't hired Donald Rumsfeld. He hasn't bailed out private banks when the country DIDN'T WANT THAT (same thing you clowns say about health care). He hasn't overseen a mortgage crisis (again,on his watch). He hasn't let Enron happen, grant all illegals full citizenship status a month before his election, let an iconic American city look like a third world country after a hurricane. He hasn't flown a "Mission Accomplished" banner, hired a Department of Homeland Security head who had an illegal alien as a nanny, sat in a classroom for 15 minutes as our nation suffered its worst attack in 60 years. He hasn't lost the huge surplus the previous president accrued, tortured people, created The Patriot Act, or have the most iconic and brilliant military mind since Eisenhower quit on him and bad mouth him at every turn. But hey, he's got three more years to accomplish all of this.
So, there are my five rants. Those, along with my Ray Allen like game this morning and sweet new scarf, have calmed me down. So much so, that there is some good. Like...
All the places I want to live in Massachusetts voted OVERWHELMINGLY for Coakley (the fuckin suburbs... You people...). Once people see the comedy act that is Scott Brown, he's gone (go Capuano!). The economy will recover, Barack will get re-elected and the racists will have four more years to melt down.
As Lou Gorman once said, the sun will rise, the sun will set. And I'll have lunch.
And if you thought this rant was bad, wait until the one on March 8th when Clooney loses the Oscar to Jeff Bridges for playing a drunk. Because that's real hard.
It's an annual rite of winter: The Big G Song Post.
I'll anger Brennan, steal from my bro, help Matt buy stocking stuffers, confuse people who listen to Kiss 108, talk about The National, forget stuff, get frustrated that I can't link the video, and as I creep towards 36, get to act the hipster, doofus, music, poseur that I so desperately want to be.
Before we get to the list, let me just say what a down year it was for music (you can say differently Brennan and I had listened to/since listened to many of the bands you listed in your comment. And while many of the bands you discussed show up here, others are just god awful. The Avett Brothers? I didn't like them when they were the Travelling Wilbury's. The Decemberists and Built To Spill?!? What are you, a 20 year old sophomore girl at Mt. Holyoke?). There were no releases from some of my staple favorites like Cold War Kids, Bloc Party, TV On The Radio, Coldplay, Arcade Fire, and those guys from New York with that song about some guy named Mr. November. And the releases from people I really like in Jay Z, The Heartless Bastards, Weezer, Massive Attack, were weak. Jack White and Dave Grohl's super groups were lame and the much anticipated Muse album was horrendous. Even my boys Death Cab- who didn't release an album- got into the poop party with an absolutely terrible single of of the New Moon Soundtrack. And every year, I have some Top Forty hits on my list and even in THAT world of Kelly Clarkson, T.I., and JT, there was nothing doing.
But, despite all that, I found a few good ones and maybe they will find their way onto your new iPod or New Year's Resolution Run List. In the words of Tone Loc, let's do it.
52. "Actor Out Of Work," St. Vincent: With women dominating my list, we may as well start it off with this catchy little diddy. Would have been higher on the list had her concert full of indie, hipster, fans who take themselves far too seriously hadn't ruined her performance.
51. "Song Away," Hockey: Don't ever look at a picture if these guys, because they look like a slightly cooler version of Good Charlotte, thus making you want to beat them up and ignore their music. But then you hear their hook filled music and can't resist. Plus, they sound like a slightly girlier version of The Walkmen and that's certainly no bad thing.
50. "(If You're Wondering If I want You To) I Want You To," Weezer: I'm so upset Klosterman beat me to the perfect line to describe Weezer (a band now known for disappointing their fans), but as much as they frustrate me, they still manage to fire out songs like this, keeping you just interested enough to hold out hope. But at this point, it's like the end of a relationship you know is doomed to fail and you are only holding on because you haven't found anything to replace him/her yet.
49. "Feeling The Pull," Swell Season: Not as good as the stuff on the Once soundtrack, but now that Elliot Smith has left us, this pair might be our best alternative for painful love songs.
48. "Over It," Dinosaur Jr.: Like every other band that I love who released an album this year, this wasn't their best effort, but if you want to hear Dino Jr. be Dino Jr., then grab this single or at least check it out on Comcast because the video is pretty cool too.
47. "Just Say Yes," Snow Patrol: Re-read the above and just insert Snow Patrol for Dinosaur Jr.
46. "Her Diamonds," Rob Thomas: Shut up. I still have credibility. I do. For real.
45. "Dominos," The Big Pink: Two things about this song. 1) Record companies and music marketing departments and program directors at radio stations amaze me because I have absolutely no idea how they retain their jobs. We are in the worst job market since wind up cars ruled the roads and somehow, these people have jobs. How they do when they CONTINUE to ignore songs like this absolutely fascinates me. This song would be a mega crossover hit. It would start on alt rock stations and then eventually end up on Top 40 stations before it was remixed and ended up on a hip hop station. So inother words: Dowload this. Please 2) With a chorus that goes: "These girls fall like dominos, dominos," how has this not been used in a Tiger remix with all his hos? People befuddle me.
44. "Kings and Queens," 30 Seconds To Mars: I cannot believe I like this song. Guess it brings me back to my emo high school days when I was emo before emo even existed. Hey Molly... there's something I discovered first... emo music! I probably shouldn't be proud of this...
43. "Intro," xx: Absolutely one of my favorite albums of the year (and they're 20.... Pricks) starts of with this awesome little instrumental. Like Coldplay did with "Life In Technicolor," let's hope xx someday set this one to lyrics.
42. "Bonfire," Third Eye Blind: When I want to be tarnsported back to my post college early 20s and the Goo Goo Dolls are unavailable, TEB is always an acceptable substitute.
41. "The Fear," Lily Allen: I really, really love the poor woman's Feist that Lily Allen is. And she just continues to craft great singles.
40. "Relator," Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson: While I love Pete Yorn and his power ballads, I must say that Scar Jo, while always looking ridiculously hot, can't act for shit. But who knew she could sing? And guys, watch the video. Nice upgrade over gross, old Alanis, Ryan...
39. "California On My Mind," Wild Light: Yes, I know they are from New Hampshire. But I liked that girl who won Survivor and she's from Arkansas, so I can probably like one thing from New Hampshire as well. And it's not Loudon or white trash, so it may as well be Wild Light.
38. "The Blue Print," Dear Leader: Like Snow Patrol, Dear Leader sounds like Dear leader and like the rest of the bands releasing albums in 2009, it wasn't their best, but this is most definitely worth your time. Plus, they are opening up for Cheap Trick in January, so that must make them kind of cool, no? What do you think the crowd looks like at that place?
37. "Girls," Dirty Projectors: One of the better releases of the year, but still not up to the hype. I WANT Dirty Projectors to happen and they are close, but they aren't there yet. Except for this song. In the words of Guy Fieri, on point.
36. "Soft Shock," Yeah Yeah Yeahs: A great album from the band who brought us the best video of the aughts (not really sure why, I just love it). Definitely worth a purchase and this song should have been a far bigger hit than it was. Actually, let's relive that Best Video Of The Aughts...
35. "Up To Our Nex," Robyn Hitchcock: You know my measurement of a the loving of a song is when you hear it and say, "what is this?" Well, this happened with this great piece of Brit Pop during Rachel Getting Married (Tunde should have been in it far more). It's an immediate download and absolutely worth you $.99.
34. "The Walls Are Coming Down," Fanfarlo: A band compared to Arcade Fire hailing from Europe and produced by the same guy who produces albums by The National? Sure, I'm not going to like THIS. The album as a whole gets a bit folky at times, but one listen to this song and you're hooked.
GREAT BIG FAT CHEAT ALERT!!!
33. "Wake Up," Arcade Fire: Yes, it's from 2004's The Funeral, but it was re-recorded for the Where The Wild Things Are soundtrack and hearing it on the trailers made me really miss Arcade Fire (who hasn't released an album in nearly three years), so I put it on the list because it WAS released this year. And it's my list and all.
32. "Daniel," Bat For Lashes: The phenomenal run of indie rock women continues. This album could very well have been released by Tori Amos (that wouldn't make EVERYONE happy, I know) and no one would have known the difference, only in a lot of ways it is BETTER than Tori Amos. Call it Tori Amos without those weird, annoying songs that had too much banging on instruments. A far more melodic and tight album with "Daniel" being one of the stars.
31. "Eet," Regina Spektor: Speaking of women in indie rock...
30. "Simple As...," Kid Cudi: What I am dying for all hip hop to be. Smart, catchy beat, and goddammit ORIGINAL. MTV and 94.5 can sttick with pumping out and hyping tired releases from Eminem (seriously, he released an album this year) and lame singles "featuring" T.I. and Lil' Wayne. I'll stick with this. If only high school boys would follow suit.
29. "Too Fake," Hockey: Again, don't look at them. Just listen. And try not to dance a little.
28. "The Fixer," Pearl Jam: Yes, I'm saying Pearl Jam released a good song (maybe even two) this year. Don't fall off of your chair. In fact, they released a good album. While I often get frustrated with fans of Pearl Jam who think that Pearl Jam is the only band, I must give them credit for releasing this really tight 40 minute album. They got back to the basics and this song in particular actually seemed... Happy. I hope Eddie isn't getting to soft on us, but if this is the result, soften up baby.
27. "Paris," Friendly Fires: Next to hearing a song for the first time and getting dominated by it, there is nothing better than going to see the opening band and witnessing a great headliner. This was the case with The Friendly Fires and while there are many great tracks on the album, this is the best.
26. "Islands," xx: More greatness from these young punks.
25. "Sweet Disposition," The Temper Trap: So, I'm riding in my car and switch to WFNX and on comes this little diddy and I figure it must be some Leftover Lunch song or something because I have never heard it. And I actually LIKE it. No wait, I LOVE it, but there is absolutely no way that FNX broke a song is there?!? They are too busy playing Sublime, The Beastie Boys, and trying to make the new Muse happen, so this CANNOT be new stuff can it?!? But wait... IT IS!!! Forget Tiger Woods; the most shocking story of 2009 is that WFNX actually introduced a new song to me. Simply unbelievable.
24. "Graffiti Eyes," stellastarr*: So my second favorite band releases a new album and the best they can do is number 25 on my list? Yup. I told you 2009 was disappointing. The lead singer was apparently too busy writing a screenplay that was purchased for $1,500,000 by Warner Brothers and is currently in development (true story). This guys side gig is writing one of the three best songs EVER in "My Coco" and my side gig is writing a blog that four people read. Life isn't fair.
23. "I Feel Better," Frightened Rabbit: More great Brit Pop, only with a slightly harder edge. As rocking as a song as you will find on the list and exactly the evidence you can give to those who see that music in this era is terrible.
22. "Sugarfoot," Black Joe Lewis: James Brown reincarnated as an indie rock band. Black Joe Lewis sort of restores your faith in music and when you hear, there is almost no way you cannot like it. I wish more radio stations would play stuff like this because there IS innovation out there that isn't weird. Black Joe Lewis shows us that good old American rock and roll is alive. You just have to look beyond Top 40 stations to find it.
21. "Little Secrets," Passion Pit: THE band of the moment right now delivers with their debut full length (they have an unbelievable EP as well). For those of you who love MGMT- and there are a TON of you who do- Passion Pit is 2009's MGMT, only MORE dancy if you can believe that. My boy McLough says they are too happy, but happy dance beats are right up my alley.
20. "You've Got The Love," Florence And The Machine: One of the two best albums of the year closes with this gem. There are a fleet of good songs on this and they run the full range of styles and sounds. This one has a distinct Moby feel and if you are looking for a gift for someone, impress them with your refined musical pallette and pick this disc up.
19. "I'm Confused," Handsome Furs: The other best album of the year. You'll see the Handsome Furs and Florence and The Machine paired together often over these last twenty songs. This song gets bonus points for the best video of the year. You'll see why.
18. "Lisztomania," Phoenix: Who knew the French could rock? Check out their version of this on SNL and try NOT being a fan.
17. "Siren Song," Bat For Lashes: This HAS to show up on some cheesey MTV show soon. Or at the very least, it will be in a fan video of Twilight clips or something. Has hit written all over it.
16. "Bulletproof," La Roux: The next in line of the awesome dance beats released this year. Could actually be higher, but I've only spent a couple weeks with it, so I didn't want to overreact. That said, you'll be singing, "Bulleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetproof!" all month.
15. "I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked," Ida Maria: I often hate stop songs like this that become popular solely because of their sex related lyrics ("I Touch Myself" and "Laid" are two great examples), but try NOT singing along to this song. And a sweet little guitar hook to boot.
14. "With A Girl Like You," Dave Sitek: The only white guy in TV On The Radio contributed a song for the Dark Was The Night two disc compilation and it is unbelievable. So good in fact, that I thought it had to be a cover. Well, it's not. Check out those horns. And that guitar. I'm begging you.
13. "Last Dance," Raveonettes: Who knew the ultimate indie hipster band could write a song that would be a mega hit if it were to be on KISS 108 tomorrow?!? This is absolute proof that great music is not dead, but people are just looking in the wrong place. Also, maybe the best lyrics of the year.
12. "Zero," Yeah Yeah Yeahs: As many of you know, a key measurement of the greatness of a song is what I feel or how I react the first time I heard it. That opening keyboard and slow build made me sit in my freezing cold car until the end.
11. "VCR,"- xx: Yup, these young'uns again. Absolutely the best song on the album. And who knew that a duet NOT featuring Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton could be good?
10. "Funny The Way It Is," Dave Matthews Band: yes, I'm rapidly approaching my 36th year on Earth and yes, I have a Dave Matthews song cracking my top ten for the year. I don't hink I've ever gone back and forth with an artist more than I do with Dave Matthews. I know, I go back and forth with nearly EVERYTHING, but I usually just go back and then STAY forth, not go back again and then forth again... And then back and forth again (is this even making any sense?) like I do with Dave Matthews. He was awesome when I was in college. He suffered my backlash during my angry twenties. Then he released an awesome solo album. Then I saw him suck live when he jammed too much. Then he bounced back with a good show. Then his songs starting showing up in cheesey rom-com movie trailers. Then he played Fenway. Then he released too many live albums and was weird in interviews. Then he was awesome in concert (or maybe I was really drunk in the waiter service luxury box). Then he was weird in movies. And finally he released "Funny The Way It Is," which has the years best chorus. Try not being happy when that chorus kicks in. So I think- after almost 36 years of wisdom- I am at peace with Dave and who and what he is: He's a pretty damn good artist that has annoyed me over the years- largely because of his white Polo hat wearing fan base- and he will eventually be recognized as being far more influential than we currently realize he is. There. Dave Dissertation Done.
9. "Dog Days Are Over," Florence And The Machine: I just cannot say enough about this album and what a massive hit it could potentially be. I'm talking Jagged Little Pill massive. that's really how good it is and that is not a Big G exaggeration. You'll love the stop and restart in this one too.
8. "All We Want Is Everything," Handsome Furs: Noticing a pattern here? FATM and Handsome Furs are linked because I just cannot decide who released the better album this year. Another phenomeanl song for the best husband and wife team in music.
7. "Sleepyhead," Passion Pit: Put this on in your car as you are driving home from work on a Friday. Now try NOT singing along and doing a your car seated dance as these beats come pouring out of your speakers. By far the most fun CD of the year. And the most surprising too.
6. "Oh! Forever," BrakesBrakesBrakes: Okay, so you know my "what the hell is this song rule?" Well, one night I decide to watch Gossip Girl (not "s" Molly, just like you told me). I'm still unsure why I chose to do this. I think I wanted to see where these now rapidly ascending actors (Blake Lively, Leighton Meester, Chace Crawford) got their start. Plus I like to be down with the pop culture. But enough excuses. I'm watching the show and on comes this catchy little tune (my sister would later tell me that Gossip Girl always has awesome music. How irrelevant is MTV again?). It sounds good at first and for whatever reason, the show keeps playing the song. I say to myself, "wow, this song is good... Wow this song is really good... Wow, this song is REALLY, REALLY good... Wow, this song is I'm downloading this and putting it atop my current run playlist right now good!!! So thanks Gossip Girl. But more importantly, thanks BrakesBrakesBrakes for writing the best mini-jam of the year. I wish I could rock out to this last 90 seconds of this song on Rock Band every night. I'll even give you the Gossip Girl clip, just so you can enjoy Blake Lively's tour de force performance just as I did.
5. "Daylight," Matt and Kim: I liked it before the Bacardi commercial I swear. Not LONG before, but before. True story.
4. "1901," Phoenix: I feel generic and boring putting this song in my top five as it is in everyone's top five, but how good is that little guitar riff that they keep repeating over and over?!? Good job Frenchies!!!
3. "Kiss With A Fist," Florence And The Machine: If I played this song for you right now you would think it is A) A lost Janis Joplin track, B) A White Stripes tune with a guest singer, or C) the single best rock song you've heard all year. And how is that a bad combination? And it's two minutes long, so it thunders so hard, yet leaves you wanting more. It has unbelievable lyrics, which I still can't decide if they are the angriest word I have ever heard or the most passionate (or maybe both?). And it makes you want to jump around and do the Bon Jovi fist pump, which, while a God-awful action to actually think of yourself doing, is wildly enjoyable when listening to a song like "Kiss With A Fist." For you casual music listeners, this is your absolute must download of the year. I will give you back your 99 cents if you don't like it. Honestly. Bill me.
2. "Radio Kaliningrad," Handsome Furs: All I have to say is that on occassion, I will just be walking down the street and think of the "WOO!" that is dropped midway through this song. I often hope that I don't say that "WOO!" out loud, else people think I am either on the spectrum or have tourettes. But ANY song that makes you want to randomly do that has to be an incredible song, no? And then on top of that, it's one of the best live songs you've ever heard. there are too many versions of it to find the perfect one, so go youtube it yourself and enjoy.
1. "Blood Buzz," The National: El Presidente is going to write about how awesome he is. Shaughnessey is going to rip Schilling. Klosterman is going to write about Guns N' Roses. And Simmons is going to mention The Shawshank Redemption. I'm going to put a song by The National as my number one, even when they haven't released an album in two and a half years. Deal with it. That said... Listen to that mini jam at the end... Between Clooney winning an Oscar and The National releasing new music, maybe 36 won't be so bad.
Well, now I've officially got it off my chest. After this, it's on to better things. Enjoy France Tiger. See you at Augusta...
4. THE OUTRAGED FANS (AND THE ONE MOST LIKELY TO OFFEND YOU)
Tiger cheated on his wife. Get over it.
I think 75% of the people outraged are outraged simply because they got duped. Nearly everyone thought Tiger was the classiest celebrity going. If Paris Hilton or John Mayer was caught cheating with umpteen different skanks, no one would care because no one would be surprised. With Tiger, people are pissed because he bilked them. He presented an image of a classy, family guy who won every big match, said all the right things, and was involved in zero scandals.
But guess what? He's not like that because NO ONE IS. And that's what I wish The Outraged Fan would understand.
NO ONE is perfect and free of immoral behavior and so we can't judge others for what we deem to be "immoral acts." What one person sees as wholly immoral, another might see as a completely acceptable social more. That is why the people I get along with best and the people who are my closest and dearest friends are those that do not judge. They know that absolutely every person who has walked this Earth is immoral or, at the very least, has participated in a socially unacceptable act.
Before I go on my maniacal tirade, allow me to say that there are all levels of immorality and I understand that. That's why we have things called laws. It is immoral to murder, steal, bilk people out of money, assault people, vandalize property, and abuse children. People who would say these actions are moral are either not sane or were once part of The Mongolian Empire. Or maybe they were priests. Whatever the case, we know these things are immoral. That said, I still think it is largely laws that deter us from doing some of these things (if I could get away with, I would absolutely steal a new surround sound system from Best Buy) are laws. But that's another post for another time.
Today, the most immoral person on Earth appears to be Tiger Woods. He is a scumbag. he is a cheater. He is a liar. He is a hypocrite for saying he wants to deal with this privately, yet has made a billion dollars off of being a public figure. He probably could have handled the whole thing differently and next December 15, no one will care about this and we will have moved on (want proof of that? Kobe Bryant has the best selling athletic jersey in the world).
But right now, my anger towards the outraged fan climbing onto their horse with really long legs is driving me insane. Like I have said before about Tom Brady, I think a lot of people WANTED this to happen to Tiger. I think a lot of people dislike him for shallow reasons (his ethnicity being a huge one. Sorry, but I believe that regardless of the fact that you think it is a bomb toss) and this finally lets them have a chance to unleash their vitriol on him because he is an immoral scumbag. But I find all of this funny. And I found it funny because everyone is an immoral scumbag.
I say this not because I am a shady person or a guy (imagine if all guys wrote a tell all book about all the guys they know?!? The world would die out because women would kill every man alive for their scumbaggery and thus, would have no one to help them repopulate the world) or a scumbag myself. I may be all of those things to you, but one thing that I know I am is immoral. And you want to know how I know everyone else is immoral too? Because the other 5,999,999,999 homo sapiens walking this Earth are humans and all humans are immoral.
When was the last time you did drugs? But you just smoked pot right? You didn't do heroin because heroin is for scumbags.
When was the last time you hopped in a car after having a few too many to drink? But it was fine because you only lived a mile away, right?
When was the last time you kept the incorrect (in your favor) change you were given from the Starbucks barista? But that was fine because it was their fault and stealing from Starbucks is like stealing from the man anyways, right?
Did you cheat on a vocab test in high school? Drink before you were 21? Write a friends paper? Steal stuff from a party because it was bad (wait, I'm the only person who did that?!?)? Have you ever lied about your charitable donations on your taxes? Have you gotten free beers at Fenway because you know the beer guys? Have you visited a porn sight recently? How about a strip club? Were you secretly happy when you went to your ten year reunion and saw that the hottest girl in the class was now a fat whale? How many of you married folk chatted with that guy/girl at the bar a little longer than you should have? How many of you jerked off in your roommates shampoo bottle because you hated them (10 Hitching Post guys: That's not my story, I swear)? Who was speeding home from work today? Who has scammed someone on Ebay? Who has scalped tickets? How many of you are blogging while you should be working?
I presume that you see my point, and I also know what you are going to say. "But Big G, you are being ridiculous. There are different LEVELS of immorailty and you can't compare speeding to cheating on your wife."
And you're right. But only partially. There are different levels of immorality, but who decides what is a 10 on the immorality scale and what is a 1? Is it you Newt Gingrich? You Felger and Massaroti? Is it Bill Clinton or The Reverend Al Sharpton? Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity or Keith Olberman? Is it Joel Osteen or Dr. Phil? Maybe it's Oprah.
Well today, The Outraged Fan (along with The Morality Police) have decided that cheating is the worst of all moral offenses and because of that Tiger Woods, you are in big, BIG trouble.
But really, why is cheating any more immoral than drug use? Or recreational drinking? Or gambling? Again, I know what you'll say. Well others get hurt when people cheat. And others don't get hurt when you use drugs or gamble? Those things don't tear familes apart?
Cheating on one's spouse is bad and I'm not trying to be some contrarian who is okaying it. But I'm not some Outraged Fan who is mad I got bilked by Tiger either. He's a famous person. He cheated. You know how we are not surprised when ANYONE who played basbeall between 1995 and the present tests positive for PEDs? Well, I'm not surprised when any famous person cheats. I won't even be shocked if everyones favorite, Matt Damon, cheats.
5. THE WIFE WILL STAY
You know what? Nevermind. This is a whole separate post and it will be the one I write when I am diagnosed with a rare form of the swine flu where I only have three days to live. Because if I were to rant about this right now and write what I really think, females will officially stop talking to me. Just know this: She will not leave him, even though she should and I actually think it would be better for everyone if she did. But she won't. Remember that thing I said about being single and what society says? Try being a single MOM and see what society says.
6. THE FALLOUT
Here's where Tiger really messed this up. Simmons wrote an awesome piece (which encouraged me to run mine... If he can wait three weeks, so can I!) where he discussed all of this and wrote a hilarious line about Tiger being the World's Worst Adulterer (which he clearly is... No Ho Phone?!? Leaving a voicemail with his name on it?!? That's what you pay handlers for Tiger!!! I one time read that Dennis Rodman had a person in his entourage who made all of his phone calls to his hos and a person whose sole responsibility it was to make sure that- regardless of where Rodman was- there was alcohol around. He had a separate guy. For each of those jobs. One called hos. The other made sure there was a constant flow of martinis on hand. Did they put that on their resume?)
But really, where does Tiger go from here? I think he HAS to take time away from golf and when the thought of that first crossed my mind, I was shocked. I mean, imagine it. The greatest athlete of our generation has to quit the sport in which he will shatter every record because he had to bang cocktal waitresses. Unbelievable.
But then I thought of John Travolta...
And Mickey Rourke...
And Andy Pettitte...
And Bill Buckner...
And even Ben Affleck...
And it's been said everywhere from blogs to Sports Illustrated pieces to The New York Times, but it is true.
Everyone loves a comeback story.
And it helps that Tiger plays golf, where the galleries can't heckle him. He has a TON of fans (it will also help that this legion of middle aged men who watch golf will be secretly rooting for Tiger harder because he defiled hot twentysomething skanks and those same middle aged men want to do that too) as evidenced by the fact that ratings QUADRUPLE when Tiger plays as opposed to when he does not. The PGA will defend him because as John Daly said, golf needs him. Then, as Simmons said, his comeback will be massive and I mean BEYOND MASSIVE. If he plays at The Masters in April, who will NOT watch that?!? Even non-golf fans will watch just to see what MIGHT happen. It will be reality television only without the edits, scripts, and Ryan Seacrest. It will be so awesome and it could literally be THE SPORTING EVENT of the past, what fifteen years?!? Is there anything you'd be more interested in seeing?!?
Tiger will face some wrath, but each day that passes is one more day that people talk less and less about Tiger and pretty soon, his story will be forgotten, like David Letterman's has been.
And then his assault on golf will begin anew because, honestly, I think he needed this. He is like the early millenium Patriots or an angrier Michael Jordan. He THRIVES on people doubting him and I think he will thrive even more on the prospect of people HATING him. He will LOVE that people want him to lose and he will love toying with his golfing competition because he will LOVE the fact that they hate him, yet can't beat him.
I'm wrong about many things, but know this. Tiger Woods will dominate golf more than he ever has in the coming years.
He was dominating his profession living thirteen differet lives, so imagine what he will do focused on just one life?
And even though the Tiger News is almost as old as The Y2K Scare, I've got a few things to say. And it's taken me three weeks to sort this out because there are just so many layers to the story. And so here are my wide ranging and often rambling thoughts- broken down into six neat categories, three today, three tomorrow- on what is definitely The Situation (as opposed to that guys abs on Jersey Shore...)
1. THE APPEARANCE OF THE MORALITY POLICE
My favorite group of people are made an appearance during this scandal: The Morality Police.
The Morality Police are my favorites because they like to climb on their high horses and then decide what is morally acceptable and what is heinous, damning to hell immorality.
Tiger Woods cheated on his wife with a bunch of 21 year old cocktail waitress, some girls made famous by 9/11 deaths, and some porn stars.
And while this has been as fun as hell to watch from the sidelines, I have been shocked by my inability to get fired up about this topic and I have finally realized why.
Because who fucking cares.
Why do I not fucking care? Well, mostly because these types of transgressions do not effect the greater world what so ever. Sure, his kids will be fucked up and his wife must be learning how to die nooses, but truthfully, what Tiger did didn't hurt anyone. He's not Bernie Madoff or O.J. Simpson and although I have heard the comparisons to Kobe Bryant, he certainly isn't him because for those of you counting at home; alleged ass rape is slightly different than cheating, no matter how despicable you think cheating is.
While you can give me the role model crap and he's liar and blah blah blah, I say bollocks. Not a single person on Earth is going to cheat because of Tiger and and the whole celebrity role model thing is completely overhyped in American society. While certain fashion styles and hair dos are taken from celebrities, no one actually really tries to ACT like a celebrity. When Madonna started randomly speaking with a British accent, people didn't start doing that. When Ice-T said to kill cops, no one did that. And I don't think there was a wave of anal sodomy in the wake of the Kobe Bryant scandal. So I firmly believe that there will not be a wave of cheating because Tiger Woods cheated on his wife. There will be cheating because there has always been and will always be cheating. Which leads me to my next point.
2. WHY DID TIGER CHEAT?
I've heard this question a great many times over the past couple of weeks. People have been asking how he could do that when he has such a beautiful wife and a perfect life and why would he risk wrecking his image and is he a sex addict and blah blah blah. I have heard many of these questions from the painfully naive women who have been calling sports talk radio. More on this later.
Ultimately, we really have no idea why Tiger cheated. Maybe he had a sexless, boring marriage. Maybe his wife didn't give him blowjobs anymore. Maybe she wore a sweatsuit to bed and their marriage was like an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Maybe she only liked it missionary and he got bored. Maybe Tiger is a sex addict like Wade Boggs. Maybe Tiger is just a cheating douche who thought he could get away with it. Maybe he's a narcissist who cares only about himself (an athlete who's a narcissist? Really? I've never heard of an athlete who is a narcissist.). But as you can guess, I have an idea as to why he cheated.
Tiger cheated because he is a golf geek who got married way too early in his life and like most teen and twenty something males, he had no idea how painfully easy it would be to get women once he figured the whole thing out. Let me explain.
Tiger was (is?) a full on geek. He played golf all his life, he dresses like a tool (even Tommy ripped him), he plays golf, he went to Stanford, he plays golf, he is awkward in press conferences, he plays golf, and he is about as charismatic and cool as Rain Man. And he plays golf.
As it turns out, he plays golf really well and as it also turns out, when you play golf really well, you can make a ton of money. It also turns out that Tiger's ethnicity in a virtually all white sport coupled with his dominance makes him a pretty damn marketable guy. To say he never expected this is an understatement. Where does the cheating fit in to this? Hold on a sec.
So, geeky Tiger- who likely never talked to a girl between the ages of birth and twenty- suddenly starts to become a celebrity. And what does celebrity brings with it? Chicks!!!
However, in the early part of the millenium, as Tiger begins his reign as the best golfer ever, he is still a geek. Or at least he perceives himself as a geek. And as I most assuredly can tell you, geeks can't talk to girls. But, Tiger does have a penis and even though he plays golf and is a geek, his penis still likes vaginas. So....
He meets a really, REALLY hot girl named Elin. This girl is way beyond his hotness and she would NEVER have talked to him in high school, nor would she have even dared looked at him at Stanford where all the hotties were banging football players, basketball players, or as fall back, future geniuses. But now Tiger is kind of famous and he has some money and he notices this here Elin girl with her ten foot legs and white blonde hair and says, "wow, I like her. And, given my expanding wallet and growing fame, I might actually have a chance with her. But just to be safe, I better have my golfer friend set me up with her because she is his nanny."
So, still geeky Tiger gets his pal Jesper to set him up with Elin and he wows her enough with his dorky smile and pleated pants and she ends up sleeping with him. Tiger, not understanding how this smoking hot girl would actually sleep with him (because he still thinks he is a geek), decides to see her again and AGAIN she sleeps with him. They do this again and again until Tiger decides to marry her. He thinks this is a pretty good idea because as he likely knows, no hot 21 year old waitresses or hot 34 year old cougar hostesses even know who a golfer is (something tells me that Rocco Mediate and Corey Pavin aren't showing up in US Weekly too often). So Tiger is psyched because Elin is the absolute best he can get given his celebrity. It's sort of like McSteamy marrying Noxema girl. They are a perfect match because they are both W List celebrities who KNOW they can't upgrade to Miranda Kerr or Johnny Depp, so they take what they can get. And this is how Tiger felt.
But something happened.
Tiger became the most popular and recognizable current athlete (and quite possibly, the most popular and recognizable athlete EVER) and he also became a billionaire. These are things that Michael Jordan, Muhammed Ali, and Barry Bonds never did.
But Tiger did.
And all of this celebrity came as a shock to him and even more shocking was that porn stars and cocktail waitresses were launching now their labias at him.
Him.
Tiger.
The Geek Golfer from Stanford.
And so Tiger tried cheating once and liked it because no girl ever gave him this attention before. Not only did he like it, but he also got away with it. Until Thanksgiving. You know the rest.
Again, I'm not excusing it. I'm just saying how it all went down. Which brings us to the next question.
3. WHY DID TIGER EVEN GET MARRIED?
This is my favorite.
"Well, if he wanted to just bang girls, he should never have gotten married. He should have acted like Jeter and Clooney and Leo and no one would have cared."
This is so wrong people and why?
Because Tiger plays golf.
Now granted, Tiger Woods is absolutely an A List celebrity but he probably never THOUGHT he was an A List celebrity. He plays a game full of middle aged men, all of whom are married with families (quick, name a golfer you saw on TMZ before Tiger Woods three weeks ago... Waiting... Waiting...) that meet them on Sunday with kisses and hugs at the 18th hole.
So Tiger, wanting desperately to be like his peers who he probably realized were disliking him with an increasing regularity, got married because he thought that was the GOLF thing to do. Golf isn't exactly a profession whose members are hanging at the Viper Lounge and doing bumbs off of chicks titties with Colin Farrell, Robert Downey Jr., and Mickey Rourke. Hell, they don't even hang out with Screech and Brian Scalabrine. They travel around in RVs and wear pleated pants and awful sweaters even though they know they are going to be on TV all weekend. These guys ARE NOT COOL.
And Tiger knew that, so he got married. Like everybody else does. Because in case you haven't noticed, EVERYONE gets married. People get married for a variety of different reasons, but one reason they do is single people aren't exactly embraced in this country. Short of being Derek Jeter, George Clooney, or Leonardo DiCaprio- and to remind you again: TIGER WOODS DID NOT THINK HE WAS DEREK JETER, GEORGE CLOONEY, OR LEONARDO DICAPRIO- guys who don't get married are seen as immature, skeevy, loserish, gay, or mentally deranged (I've heard all of these about me except for the skeevy, which weirdly makes me proud...)
So, not only did he face pressure to get married from the people he works with, but he also faced pressure from society to get married. And it was obviously not a good decision because he still wanted to bang cocktail waitresses. But since there were no other golfers banging cocktail waitresses, he figured he should get married. So he did.
Side Note: Did you know that 95% of society gets married KNOWING that 50% of them will fail?!? Has there ever been a more outrageous statistic than this?!? Imagaine buying something, ANYTHING that you knew failed 50% of the time?!? Imagine paying $68,000 for a BMW 5 Series KNOWING that half the mornings you turn the ignition it won't start?!? Or dropping $1500 on a Sony 1080p flat screen KNOWING that 50% of them will just stop working?!? I could go on like this for days, but keep that in mind the next time you're jealous that your friend is married and you aren't, know they dropped x thousands of dollars on a stainless steel refridgerator that will just stop keeping your food cold for 182.5 of the 365 days in a year.
It would be cool to be Chuck Klosterman, instead I'm some dude blogging on my couch. Thankfully, it's not my parents basement, but alas, my couch is still pathetic. At least it's an Ikea couch.
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